Ask Not, Lest Ye Receive
Aug. 9th, 2009 09:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
perzephone
I've reached a weird impasse.
I'm of the school of thought that one does not just pick up a random encyclopedia of Gods & Goddesses, thumb through it & say, "I'm going to be a priestess of (insert name here)." My patrons aren't ones that I've studied & said, "Well, these guys seem pretty cool!" No, They have smacked me on the head - sometimes close to literally smacked me.
Now that I've decided it might be kind of nice to be enfolded in the arms of a loving, compassionate and kind spiritual helper, I've got no idea how to go about it. To my knowledge, none have invited me. I know I encountered something the night I broke down and asked for help - but Who it was, still no clue. I've been trying to communicate with Brigid to try and muster up some creativity, but I haven't gotten much response from Her. Seal is likewise elusive & the last time I made a serious effort to follow Seal, I dreamt I drowned and got tangled up in a deadfall of whale bones on the ocean floor. It disturbed me to no end because I have recurring dreams about something [i]huge[/i] and terrifying that rises from the ocean depths - the only proper term that comes to mind is 'Leviathan' or 'Legion', even though I know what's coming for me isn't biblical - but it's biblical in proportions. I've never seen it but I know it's down there, and being in that pile of whale bones & not being able to get free... ugh. Put me in a very bad place in my head & I was so relieved when I woke up.
When I think of Persephone and Hades, I do see Them as compassionate deities, but not personally compassionate. They have a hard role. Persephone has to leave us all in cold and darkness for many months, has to shoo away the sun, has to allow the plants to die so the Earth can rejuvenate itself. Hades and Persephone have to do the same thing to living beings - make sure they reach an end to make more room for new life. They welcome the dead to Their home, and provide the functions of both caretakers and judges. They are universally compassionate, to be able to do this not as indiscriminate, passionate deities like Zeus, but to know when the time is right and to keep the wheel of the year turning. Ariadne and Dionysus are ecstasy and madness... as are the Ghede to an extent. The side of herself that Bear has shown me is not Bear-as-Mother... she is Old Bear Woman, who knows the trails to the best roots. She seems to be very close to Persephone, even though Bear is most strongly associated with Artemis (the 'Art' is Bear, as in Arthur, Artio, and the 'U' in Uther). Bear goes underground with Winter and comes back to the surface in Spring, she keeps track of the seasons and the life of the green world. Persephone and Bear are time-keepers. Besides, Bear is an integrated part of myself and I know I can't turn to myself for the level of nurturing and compassion for which I feel a great need.
I feel strange & awkward approaching my current patrons & asking, basically, "Will you be my mommy?" I know a lot of this comes from my own attitudes towards compassion, nurturing and loving-kindness. It makes me uncomfortable. I can be compassionate and caring, but Gods forbid I have to admit it or acknowledge it. I'd rather it be done privately and in an offhand way. And I hate accepting kindness, compassion or nurturing from others. It makes me feel sort of, well, like someone wiped a booger on me, or like I just stepped in dogshit (or maybe a banana slug) with bare feet.
Another problem is that so many of the Gods & Goddesses and deities/entities associated with compassion feel very foreign to me. Isis? Kuan Yin? Jesus? Mary? Hathor? Yemaya was a possibility for awhile, but not so much anymore.
I dunno. I feel very helpless in this.
I'm of the school of thought that one does not just pick up a random encyclopedia of Gods & Goddesses, thumb through it & say, "I'm going to be a priestess of (insert name here)." My patrons aren't ones that I've studied & said, "Well, these guys seem pretty cool!" No, They have smacked me on the head - sometimes close to literally smacked me.
Now that I've decided it might be kind of nice to be enfolded in the arms of a loving, compassionate and kind spiritual helper, I've got no idea how to go about it. To my knowledge, none have invited me. I know I encountered something the night I broke down and asked for help - but Who it was, still no clue. I've been trying to communicate with Brigid to try and muster up some creativity, but I haven't gotten much response from Her. Seal is likewise elusive & the last time I made a serious effort to follow Seal, I dreamt I drowned and got tangled up in a deadfall of whale bones on the ocean floor. It disturbed me to no end because I have recurring dreams about something [i]huge[/i] and terrifying that rises from the ocean depths - the only proper term that comes to mind is 'Leviathan' or 'Legion', even though I know what's coming for me isn't biblical - but it's biblical in proportions. I've never seen it but I know it's down there, and being in that pile of whale bones & not being able to get free... ugh. Put me in a very bad place in my head & I was so relieved when I woke up.
When I think of Persephone and Hades, I do see Them as compassionate deities, but not personally compassionate. They have a hard role. Persephone has to leave us all in cold and darkness for many months, has to shoo away the sun, has to allow the plants to die so the Earth can rejuvenate itself. Hades and Persephone have to do the same thing to living beings - make sure they reach an end to make more room for new life. They welcome the dead to Their home, and provide the functions of both caretakers and judges. They are universally compassionate, to be able to do this not as indiscriminate, passionate deities like Zeus, but to know when the time is right and to keep the wheel of the year turning. Ariadne and Dionysus are ecstasy and madness... as are the Ghede to an extent. The side of herself that Bear has shown me is not Bear-as-Mother... she is Old Bear Woman, who knows the trails to the best roots. She seems to be very close to Persephone, even though Bear is most strongly associated with Artemis (the 'Art' is Bear, as in Arthur, Artio, and the 'U' in Uther). Bear goes underground with Winter and comes back to the surface in Spring, she keeps track of the seasons and the life of the green world. Persephone and Bear are time-keepers. Besides, Bear is an integrated part of myself and I know I can't turn to myself for the level of nurturing and compassion for which I feel a great need.
I feel strange & awkward approaching my current patrons & asking, basically, "Will you be my mommy?" I know a lot of this comes from my own attitudes towards compassion, nurturing and loving-kindness. It makes me uncomfortable. I can be compassionate and caring, but Gods forbid I have to admit it or acknowledge it. I'd rather it be done privately and in an offhand way. And I hate accepting kindness, compassion or nurturing from others. It makes me feel sort of, well, like someone wiped a booger on me, or like I just stepped in dogshit (or maybe a banana slug) with bare feet.
Another problem is that so many of the Gods & Goddesses and deities/entities associated with compassion feel very foreign to me. Isis? Kuan Yin? Jesus? Mary? Hathor? Yemaya was a possibility for awhile, but not so much anymore.
I dunno. I feel very helpless in this.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-08-09 10:53 pm (UTC)okay maybe that wasnt so helpful...its a trust thing..its a vunerability thing..stuff like this requires surrender rather than a smack on the head when it comes to them coming forward. Maybe go back to that feeling you had when you finally called for help and allow Whoever it was to come and soothe whatever else ails you..
Lovey Dovey
Date: 2009-08-10 08:52 pm (UTC)It may be that I'm just still reeling from actually encountering physical pain so intense that it broke me down. I mean, I've broken bones & kept walking, but that span of days was just crazy pain (I just had to mindfully straighten up because I was starting to fold in half just thinking about it).
So, what do you know about Sedna?
Re: Lovey Dovey
Date: 2009-08-12 03:07 am (UTC)I think we all need to be reminded that we are all part of the great Web and help is out there for us when we really need it.
Re: Sedna
Date: 2009-08-12 03:51 am (UTC)The only story I've heard about Sedna is either that she was once a girl, and either Raven or a sea-spirit tricked her into marrying him, and she was unhappy - when her father tried to rescue her, Raven or the sea-spirit created a fierce storm & Sedna's father threw her out of the boat. When she grabbed onto the side of the boat, he cut her fingers off & they became whales & seals & sharks & fish. The other version is that she somehow defied her father & he took her out to sea & when he threw Sedna over the boatside, once again her father cut off her fingers - either story ends with her sinking to the ocean floor & becoming a sea Goddess.
When the hunt is lean it's said that Sedna is unhappy & is keeping all the sea animals away from the hunters & fishers. The Inuit shaman has to go around and get everyone in the village to confess their sins, which have collected on Sedna like trash and barnacles. Then the shaman has to dive down to Sedna's home and talk Her into letting the shaman brush Her hair & wash Her face & clean away all the accumulated sins of the villagers.
At least I've got something to work with other than the creepy thing that scares me so much I've never seen it.
no subject
Date: 2009-08-10 12:24 am (UTC)Heron isn't a conventionally comforting animal energy. It's really not. They can be vicious parents, siblings and so on. They're not particularly loving partners when compared to say raven and so on. Yet heron for me has only ever been one thing. And surprisingly, I've met three other people since my post who have said the same thing. And that IS surprising, because 'heron as biological animal' is just... I mean hell, there are insect species more capable of 'compassion.' Lol.
So maybe whomever could provide this to you is not a 'stereotypically compassionate' deity. I've never clicked with Kuan Yin, Hathor, Isis and so on. I doubt I ever will. There's something missing in the equation for me.
Watery Depths
Date: 2009-08-10 09:01 pm (UTC)A part of me wants to challenge the Thing I Don't Want to See, tell it to 'bring it on, mofo!', but the more rational part of me is afraid that if I do ever see it, I will go insane. It's one thing that I am content to be irrationally terrified of - even if I've never seen it. For all I know it could be a hermit crab w/a big shadow, but most of my brain is in the 'don't need to know' camp.
I've been looking to the ocean more & more IRL - I really need to get out of the desert for a few days. Last night I dreamed it was raining here, woke up disappointed.