Home Therapy
Aug. 24th, 2011 06:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
perzephone
Ugh, I don't want to go to therapy this morning.
I think I'm going to take a bath & then go to bed.
That chronic fatigue shit makes more sense to me on days like today. I had my cardiac stress test on Monday, slept the rest of the day, felt like crap yesterday... and all I did last night was some embroidery & fiddled with the internet, and I still feel wiped.
All because of like, 10 minutes on a treadmill.
Maybe next time I'll opt for the chemical version instead.
edited for the fuck of it: I've gotten into this habit of going onto facebook, updating my status & before I actually post it, I delete it. I'm finding that it's just as satisfying as actually posting something. In some ways, it's more satisfying, because I can say crap about people with no accountability whatsoever. One of my sisters is in the hospital with some kind of throat infection. There is pus involved. She is still updating her statuses, so she's obviously not dying. Why tell me about pus when you're not dying from it?
I've decided to take a shrink hiatus til after my hysterectomy. I'm kind of stuck with this stupid mental health clinic because of my insurance. Both therapists I've had just sort of sit there & listen to me, they don't offer any suggestions, advice, solutions or input into the things I'm having trouble with. Yes, I've found out - if a situation or occurrence makes me feel anything strongly, I stop doing it. But how can I stop stopping?
I've been trying to find reasons to cancel my hysterectomy. Not because of the potential risks, early menopause, having to take hormone therapy, the cost, the recovery time or time off work, but because I'm deeply pleased about the fact that I'm finally able to get it done. One could possibly say that I'm happy about it. That bothers me. Not the thought of canceling a surgery over emotions, but that I am bordering on happy. I feel bad about being happy. I haven't talked to anyone about what surgery I'm getting, and most people assume it's kidney stones, which is fine. They are all just amazed how calm I am to be undergoing major surgery of any kind. I'm not embarrassed about getting a hysterectomy, but the thought of showing anyone how relieved I am, or how borderline happy I am, that it's getting done mortifies me.
Finding out about the avoidance issue has helped me continue to make plans towards having it done, in spite of impending happiness. I keep reminding myself that it's ok to have emotional responses, that it's not really me it's the avoidance talking. Even in Stoicism, it's ok to feel things, and unnatural to not feel things. I returned to Selene and lunar worship to help me reconnect with my emotions (which is ironic, considering I'm having the main lunar organ removed from my body, but whatever, the moon has a crone aspect as well).
I dunno, there's just a lot of weirdness going on in my head. That's probably an indication that I should see the shrink, but it's nothing I want to express verbally, and nothing I can express digitally, either.
I think I'm going to take a bath & then go to bed.
That chronic fatigue shit makes more sense to me on days like today. I had my cardiac stress test on Monday, slept the rest of the day, felt like crap yesterday... and all I did last night was some embroidery & fiddled with the internet, and I still feel wiped.
All because of like, 10 minutes on a treadmill.
Maybe next time I'll opt for the chemical version instead.
edited for the fuck of it: I've gotten into this habit of going onto facebook, updating my status & before I actually post it, I delete it. I'm finding that it's just as satisfying as actually posting something. In some ways, it's more satisfying, because I can say crap about people with no accountability whatsoever. One of my sisters is in the hospital with some kind of throat infection. There is pus involved. She is still updating her statuses, so she's obviously not dying. Why tell me about pus when you're not dying from it?
I've decided to take a shrink hiatus til after my hysterectomy. I'm kind of stuck with this stupid mental health clinic because of my insurance. Both therapists I've had just sort of sit there & listen to me, they don't offer any suggestions, advice, solutions or input into the things I'm having trouble with. Yes, I've found out - if a situation or occurrence makes me feel anything strongly, I stop doing it. But how can I stop stopping?
I've been trying to find reasons to cancel my hysterectomy. Not because of the potential risks, early menopause, having to take hormone therapy, the cost, the recovery time or time off work, but because I'm deeply pleased about the fact that I'm finally able to get it done. One could possibly say that I'm happy about it. That bothers me. Not the thought of canceling a surgery over emotions, but that I am bordering on happy. I feel bad about being happy. I haven't talked to anyone about what surgery I'm getting, and most people assume it's kidney stones, which is fine. They are all just amazed how calm I am to be undergoing major surgery of any kind. I'm not embarrassed about getting a hysterectomy, but the thought of showing anyone how relieved I am, or how borderline happy I am, that it's getting done mortifies me.
Finding out about the avoidance issue has helped me continue to make plans towards having it done, in spite of impending happiness. I keep reminding myself that it's ok to have emotional responses, that it's not really me it's the avoidance talking. Even in Stoicism, it's ok to feel things, and unnatural to not feel things. I returned to Selene and lunar worship to help me reconnect with my emotions (which is ironic, considering I'm having the main lunar organ removed from my body, but whatever, the moon has a crone aspect as well).
I dunno, there's just a lot of weirdness going on in my head. That's probably an indication that I should see the shrink, but it's nothing I want to express verbally, and nothing I can express digitally, either.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-25 12:28 am (UTC)It must be frustrating seeing psychologists who aren't necessarily at the top of the heap. I was stuck doing that for a very long time, and it's kind of... shitty. When they help, it's usually only temporary, and at some point they just can't help anymore. :( I hope tehse two have some 'help' left in them.
Internal Struggle
Date: 2011-08-25 02:22 am (UTC)