The Tequila Memoirs

2 shots of tequila & I can still spell 'memoirs'.

Don't tell me that you love me, ayiiii
Just tell me that you want me, ayiii
- Tusk, Fleetwood Mac

Edit: Ok, so a few shots later... er, not much later. It's 2:41, I don't know when I first posted this. I'm kind of drunk. Dude, there's a lot of tequila missing. It's okay, I can still mostly type. Gods help me, I think I actually might just love my husband. Not like that mad, romantic kind of love, but a deep, true love. It feels like innocence. The tequila started tasting good. I made a mistake the last time I bought it - I got Jose Cuervo Black Medallion, which is a darker tequila. I had to park my fat Druid bear-ass in Faol's rest because I get inspired when I'm drunk. I wish I could write when I'm sober. I wish I could tell the truth when I'm sober.

I lie all the time, you know. It's the coyote in me. It takes a lot of booze for the truth to come out. My fingers are numb. I love you all so much. Lisa, Akiima, Moonvoice. It hurts me so deeply that you are all hurting. I wish I could reach out with bits and pieces of my soul and fill in the parts you need most.

I want to tell all three of you that you are the strongest women I know.

What could be more pathetic than an old, fat, drunk woman sitting here listening to music & playing WoW & weeping?

(Damn, Rob cut me off.)

Happy Midsummer!

Evohe Litha!!!

Oj, sio I'm not longer tuyping so good now. :P

I'm so gonna hate myself tomorrow.

Speaking of hate... how can one person so full of anger be so full of love at the same time? Will I regret all I've said tomorrow? Will I leave it to lay like so many sleeping dogs? Will I delete it all in shame? Why am I so embarrassed to show emotion? Why does liquor make it so much easier? It's funny to me that a drying, astringent chemical like grain alcohol can be so lubricating to the soul. And the eyes. Maybe it's just the physical pain relief- I can't feel my back or my knees right now. I can't feel my elbosw, or my teeth for that matter.

But I can feel my breathing deepen, I can feel my ribs spread farther apart. It's the solar festival in WoW land & that cheered me up. Why is it a chemical depressant immediately takes away all my sorrow? Oi, so pent up, thinking about us living in Rob's mom's house til we were 90 & she was 170... she won't seel it to us because she thingks if we got our hands on $100k, we'd blow it. I'd stay in my desert, form labyrinths in the back yard, get a dog. I don't really want to go to Washington when I getmy degree... I'm so scared. I'm scared of succeeding if that makes any sense. Scard of moving yet again, throwing all I knoe away. I'm so dafe sna comfy in my dead-end job. I'm such an Excalibwhore. It's all I really knoe, that and I can type 61 words a minute. Oooh, with those skills I can get a $7/hr job anytime I want it.

If levitation were possible, I'd be 3 feet above my chair right now. Maybe I just need to drink more often. I really do belong to Dionysus. No other God has called me like He has. I'd be perfectly content as a maenad or mellissae, chasing the Stag... Wine, tequila, opium... I miss opium. Maybe I just need to be tied & beaten. It's been so long.

Oi, I'm so drunk. I need to quit, it's like an addiction... Music, wine, opium, the call of the horn, Herne, wish Rob was felling better, he'd be so fucked right now.