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Negativity Attracts
Mar. 21st, 2009 12:49 am
I've always worked well with the negative emotions - anger, sadness, grief, the milder varieties - frustration, depression, pain. I usually feel good when I'm angry, especially when I'm enraged. The negative emotions seem to be the only ones I truly feel, anyway. A few years ago, I agreed to start taking blood pressure medication because I was tired of living the caffeine-free, low-sodium lifestyle. Plus, there was the added promise of the Beta blockers possibly taking away my migraines. Taking blood pressure medication put this weird damper on my emotions, especially my negative emotions. I can't physically get enraged anymore. I try to work up a good glowing fire of anger in my belly - and get spits and sparks. I can't holler at the top of my lungs, threaten life & limb of whatever had the misfortune of angering me... I just don't have the cojones anymore.
I should have known something was going to blow somewhere because over the past couple of weeks, I've actually gotten pissed off at stuff. Gotten that fiery energetic tingle at my hands like I could just blast someone with my fingertips. Gotten red hot around the ears, flushed, hair-standing-on-end pissed off. I could hear & feel the Bear lifting its paw, ready to knock some heads around. Felt like I could set stuff on fire with my brain. The most telling part is that the anger was incited by trivial crap - with the meds, it takes a lot more than some forum post or a slooooow person in line ahead of me to enrage me. I don't get that anymore because, well, the meds prevent it. Apparently in order to get really good & pissed off, you need higher blood pressure & mine would stay at 130/80. So, next time I either run out of my prescription or my prescription stops working at full capacity, I need to watch out for how easy it is to piss me off & how good it feels to be truly, sincerely angry.
The fact that I've taken things personally lately is indicative that my meds aren't working yet. I never take things personally, but over the past few days... yeah. It ties into Coyote medicine - being the contrary, always able to see the other side of things, being able to work in elements in which other people have difficulty. So many people I know seem to have this need to be nice, this desire to be liked by other people. In spiritual circles, there is a great value placed on compassion and healing and looooove. Honestly, for me... I never cared if other people liked me or wanted to be around me. I've always been antisocial - not having a wide circle of friends in school or not being popular didn't bother me. Even today, the most important social aspect of my life is to be able to get along with my coworkers. Not necessarily be friends with them, but be able to work companionably without a lot of friction. Yes, there are people that I like & love, but it takes a long time with me. I'm not an 'instant friend, just add conversation'. There are still only a few people I know that I honestly care what they think of me. Most other people - I am who I am, and if you don't like me, that's perfectly fine. I don't feel like I'm living some global version of Survivor where I'll be voted off the island if no one likes me. Apparently, having low blood pressure means I can ignore things or take things at face value instead of taking them to heart - and then getting pissed off about it.
I'm thinking that my own personal drive to be more compassionate and tolerant has actually put some stress on me in ways that aren't clear or visible. I am just not naturally a kindhearted person. I mean, Hel's bells, whenever I open my heart chakra & let stuff in or out it causes physical pain. Some things I can do - I can 'tune in' to the rest of the Universe when I'm meditating. That limitless light doesn't bother or scare me, but it's not personal or specific. It just 'is'. Personally trying to open up in order to be more compassionate to people & to try to understand their story - that shit hurts. It gets worse when I try to express those emotions - that usually requires alcohol just to build up the nerve. This past couple of weeks, though, even those emotions have been closer to the surface than normal. It's let me hear the voice of the Seal more clearly, and it's also sent me seeking a Goddess... but I don't know what I'll do if I make a connection with Her. With Seal, it's going to be an interesting journey - if anything, this whole 'almost had a stroke' episode felt like a challenge - but I have no real way of knowing if I passed the test or not.
I should have known something was going to blow somewhere because over the past couple of weeks, I've actually gotten pissed off at stuff. Gotten that fiery energetic tingle at my hands like I could just blast someone with my fingertips. Gotten red hot around the ears, flushed, hair-standing-on-end pissed off. I could hear & feel the Bear lifting its paw, ready to knock some heads around. Felt like I could set stuff on fire with my brain. The most telling part is that the anger was incited by trivial crap - with the meds, it takes a lot more than some forum post or a slooooow person in line ahead of me to enrage me. I don't get that anymore because, well, the meds prevent it. Apparently in order to get really good & pissed off, you need higher blood pressure & mine would stay at 130/80. So, next time I either run out of my prescription or my prescription stops working at full capacity, I need to watch out for how easy it is to piss me off & how good it feels to be truly, sincerely angry.
The fact that I've taken things personally lately is indicative that my meds aren't working yet. I never take things personally, but over the past few days... yeah. It ties into Coyote medicine - being the contrary, always able to see the other side of things, being able to work in elements in which other people have difficulty. So many people I know seem to have this need to be nice, this desire to be liked by other people. In spiritual circles, there is a great value placed on compassion and healing and looooove. Honestly, for me... I never cared if other people liked me or wanted to be around me. I've always been antisocial - not having a wide circle of friends in school or not being popular didn't bother me. Even today, the most important social aspect of my life is to be able to get along with my coworkers. Not necessarily be friends with them, but be able to work companionably without a lot of friction. Yes, there are people that I like & love, but it takes a long time with me. I'm not an 'instant friend, just add conversation'. There are still only a few people I know that I honestly care what they think of me. Most other people - I am who I am, and if you don't like me, that's perfectly fine. I don't feel like I'm living some global version of Survivor where I'll be voted off the island if no one likes me. Apparently, having low blood pressure means I can ignore things or take things at face value instead of taking them to heart - and then getting pissed off about it.
I'm thinking that my own personal drive to be more compassionate and tolerant has actually put some stress on me in ways that aren't clear or visible. I am just not naturally a kindhearted person. I mean, Hel's bells, whenever I open my heart chakra & let stuff in or out it causes physical pain. Some things I can do - I can 'tune in' to the rest of the Universe when I'm meditating. That limitless light doesn't bother or scare me, but it's not personal or specific. It just 'is'. Personally trying to open up in order to be more compassionate to people & to try to understand their story - that shit hurts. It gets worse when I try to express those emotions - that usually requires alcohol just to build up the nerve. This past couple of weeks, though, even those emotions have been closer to the surface than normal. It's let me hear the voice of the Seal more clearly, and it's also sent me seeking a Goddess... but I don't know what I'll do if I make a connection with Her. With Seal, it's going to be an interesting journey - if anything, this whole 'almost had a stroke' episode felt like a challenge - but I have no real way of knowing if I passed the test or not.
