Writer's Block: Unlikely Benefactor

[Error: unknown template qotd]

Family & friends, of course. There's nothing in here that says I can't give it to my husband ;)

Ask Not, Lest Ye Receive

I've reached a weird impasse.

I'm of the school of thought that one does not just pick up a random encyclopedia of Gods & Goddesses, thumb through it & say, "I'm going to be a priestess of (insert name here)." My patrons aren't ones that I've studied & said, "Well, these guys seem pretty cool!" No, They have smacked me on the head - sometimes close to literally smacked me.

Now that I've decided it might be kind of nice to be enfolded in the arms of a loving, compassionate and kind spiritual helper, I've got no idea how to go about it. To my knowledge, none have invited me. I know I encountered something the night I broke down and asked for help - but Who it was, still no clue. I've been trying to communicate with Brigid to try and muster up some creativity, but I haven't gotten much response from Her. Seal is likewise elusive & the last time I made a serious effort to follow Seal, I dreamt I drowned and got tangled up in a deadfall of whale bones on the ocean floor. It disturbed me to no end because I have recurring dreams about something [i]huge[/i] and terrifying that rises from the ocean depths - the only proper term that comes to mind is 'Leviathan' or 'Legion', even though I know what's coming for me isn't biblical - but it's biblical in proportions. I've never seen it but I know it's down there, and being in that pile of whale bones & not being able to get free... ugh. Put me in a very bad place in my head & I was so relieved when I woke up.

When I think of Persephone and Hades, I do see Them as compassionate deities, but not personally compassionate. They have a hard role. Persephone has to leave us all in cold and darkness for many months, has to shoo away the sun, has to allow the plants to die so the Earth can rejuvenate itself. Hades and Persephone have to do the same thing to living beings - make sure they reach an end to make more room for new life. They welcome the dead to Their home, and provide the functions of both caretakers and judges. They are universally compassionate, to be able to do this not as indiscriminate, passionate deities like Zeus, but to know when the time is right and to keep the wheel of the year turning. Ariadne and Dionysus are ecstasy and madness... as are the Ghede to an extent. The side of herself that Bear has shown me is not Bear-as-Mother... she is Old Bear Woman, who knows the trails to the best roots. She seems to be very close to Persephone, even though Bear is most strongly associated with Artemis (the 'Art' is Bear, as in Arthur, Artio, and the 'U' in Uther). Bear goes underground with Winter and comes back to the surface in Spring, she keeps track of the seasons and the life of the green world. Persephone and Bear are time-keepers. Besides, Bear is an integrated part of myself and I know I can't turn to myself for the level of nurturing and compassion for which I feel a great need.

I feel strange & awkward approaching my current patrons & asking, basically, "Will you be my mommy?" I know a lot of this comes from my own attitudes towards compassion, nurturing and loving-kindness. It makes me uncomfortable. I can be compassionate and caring, but Gods forbid I have to admit it or acknowledge it. I'd rather it be done privately and in an offhand way. And I hate accepting kindness, compassion or nurturing from others. It makes me feel sort of, well, like someone wiped a booger on me, or like I just stepped in dogshit (or maybe a banana slug) with bare feet.

Another problem is that so many of the Gods & Goddesses and deities/entities associated with compassion feel very foreign to me. Isis? Kuan Yin? Jesus? Mary? Hathor? Yemaya was a possibility for awhile, but not so much anymore.

I dunno. I feel very helpless in this.