Depression Workbook

I like workbooks, so I picked up the Freedom from Depression Workbook almost two weeks ago. I haven't made it very deep in. I did an exercise or two and have been letting it percolate through me. I've also decided to journal it instead of using the very small spaces the book itself gives you to write about stuff.

Q. What has been your experience? As you examine your relationship patterns from years past, what trends do you notice that have led to increased frustration with life?

1) Even though almost everyone in my life has always told me that I'm extremely intelligent, I cannot seem to do anything right. Everything I touch falls apart or fails. I cannot get ahead or be successful. None of my decisions work out how I'd like them to work.

2) Even though those many people have insisted on my intelligence, it never matters to any of them. My parents & relatives have always seemed to communicate to me that I have no intrinsic value to this world.

3) For all my so-called intelligence, I lack creativity and talent, which to me is even more of a necessity than mere intelligence. What good is being smart if you cannot use it?

4) Telling someone they can do anything or be anyone is horribly cruel and does nothing to prepare them for the real world. I did not need New Age affirmations, I needed guidance, mentoring and concrete skills.

I need to be able view my depression as a valid disorder or illness. It's hard for me because I don't really think, even with the neglect, abuse, alcoholism, poverty, etc. that I dealt with when I was younger, that I 'deserve' to wear the depression badge. I don't think I'm worthy enough to be able to lay claim to that particular label. I get the feeling most of the time that I am just a loser with a crappy attitude, but no matter what I do I can't fix it. I've dealt with my own crappy attitude since I was a kid, and I'm tired of never being able to do anything right. But I'm embarrassed to call myself 'depressed' or to tell someone "I have a major depressive disorder". Not that I actually would have any valid reason to share that with anyone, except my blog, my husband and now my therapist. I have a hard time talking to Rob about it, too, but we're married and he deserves to understand why he cannot, no matter what he does, make me happy (he also cannot make me sad, or make me feel anything at all). I mean, I don't tell everyone I meet "I have a bad kidney, high blood pressure, scoliosis & insomnia. Nice to meet you, too" (well, ok, I will share my insomnia problems if the topic comes up, mainly because I am an advocate of good sleep hygiene, and it's a subject too far few people understand or know about). I don't play the "oh, you think you've got it bad?!" game with my in-laws, I don't tell my life story to random strangers... I keep these things to myself for the most part. In general, I listen, I don't talk.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I don't think I've even told Lisa or Ann that (at least according to my therapist) I have depression. I know I definitely haven't shared that particular tidbit with my sisters or cousin, either. Usually, they call me to bitch about things - and I'm harshly critical of them for doing it. I'm critical of people who feel the need to share their life stories with random strangers (especially when that stranger is me, which it is... even my g.p. tells me things about her life... I think she holds my med refills hostage so I can give her a monthly therapy session - that I'm paying for. Geez) and I get annoyed with my family & friends because it seems like the only reason they call me is to have someone listen to them complain for a few hours. I'm not about to engage in behavior that I personally abhor.

These are my symptoms:

• I feel sad or discouraged more than I would like.


• It is easy for me to dwell on what might go wrong. I am pessimistic.


• I prefer to withdraw rather than be in groups.


• Others describe me as moody or irritable.


• I have regrets about the past that will not fade easily.


• I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.


• The thought of dying seems appealing.


• Laughter and joviality do not come easily to me.


• My sleep patterns are irregular.


• I have no motivation to complete tasks.


• My concentration level is not what it should be.


• I feel on the verge of crying more than I normally should be.


• I think about things I resent.


• I find it hard to be fully open in disclosing my feelings & needs.


• I feel trapped by my sense of duty & obligation.


• I know people would not care if I told them how I feel.

My most common indicators of depression?

1) Suicidal thoughts moving into planning stages
2) Feelings of inadequacy & self-criticism
3) Increased pessimism
4) Mental dullness - concentration is low, increase in memory lapses
5) Things I once enjoyed offer no pleasure

My tasks for in between my sessions this time around involve stopping my inner dialogue before it reaches the 'yeah, but...' stage. When I finished my Cheshire cat shirt, the first things I thought to myself were, "hey, this is pretty cute... yeah, but, the stitches could be straighter". When I graduated, my first thoughts were, "Wow! I actually did it!... but, my GPA could have been higher". It's not so much that I constantly criticize myself as it is there is always a rider on everything I tell myself. I expect more from myself. I could have helped dig someone out from under the rubble of the WTC & my inner coach would have said something like, "Wow! You saved that guy's life!... but, you could have worked faster". I told the therapist that New Age affirmations do nothing for me. I can spend every single day for a year smiling at myself in the mirror and telling myself, "I love me!" and it will not change a damned thing. I know because I've tried it. Me telling me that "I'm great! I am worthy of receiving love! Other people like me!" is like... making fun of myself somehow. I get the feeling that stopping just short of the inevitable 'yeah, but...' will do about the same thing.

Another thing I'm supposed to do is focus on defining who I am instead of defining myself by what I do for a living. I can describe myself physically - those are concrete words. Short, fat, white, tattooed. Easy. I do it all the time on the internet. Describing who I am isn't as easy. I usually add 'Pagan' to the end of short, fat, white & tattooed. Occasionally I'll add 'married' to that litany, even though I don't define myself as a 'wife'. I tend to define myself more by "I'm a night auditor for a major hotel/casino on the Las Vegas Strip. I hold an Associates in Computer Information Technology, and I hope to return to that field eventually. Don't poke the bear". I can also define my interests and the music, movies & books I enjoy - the staples of online profiles. But what I enjoy as far as rock music and pop fiction goes really isn't describing me, either. I asked Rob how he would describe me to someone else (he of course started off with the physical description & it was fun to watch him squirm around 'big-boned' and 'heavyset') & he said 'smart, down-to-earth and strong'. He had to struggle for it, though, mainly because he hasn't really had the need to describe me to anyone.

I just figured out a part of it. I wouldn't ever tell anyone something concrete like, "I am smart" because I feel like I'm bragging. Any term I'd use to describe myself (and not what I'm doing or thinking) in the 'I am' phrasing to me sounds like either false modesty or bragging. There's no comfortable middle ground. I don't even like to tell people something like, "I'd like to consider myself..." because that sounds completely conceited. I don't like it when people pay me compliments, either. I can barely stand it at work when someone thanks me for doing something. I'm like, "uh, I do work here, after all". It's impossible for me to maintain eye contact with anyone paying me a compliment or thanking me for something. The only time I get bodacious like that is when I'm in my more ceremonial persona, when I'm the mage instead of the mundane. Then I'll tell people and various other entities that I am a God, because when someone asks if you're a God, you tell them yes!