![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Suicide Solution
Jun. 13th, 2014 06:31 am
It's kind of weird... I'm doing laundry & going over my therapy session from yesterday. The suicidal thoughts have pretty much gone away. I imagined myself telling Rob exactly how close I came to offing myself, and me-in-my-head finished up by saying 'and I never want to feel that way again'.
Kind of took me aback. So there is some part of me that has a self-preservative streak. Interesting. A new me is unfolding, and it's kind of frightening and exhilirating all at the same time.
Kind of took me aback. So there is some part of me that has a self-preservative streak. Interesting. A new me is unfolding, and it's kind of frightening and exhilirating all at the same time.
Weird Science
Jun. 5th, 2014 02:21 pmThis isn't a typical urge for me, but over the past few weeks I've been wanting to trip balls. I don't know if it's a side-effect of the Zoloft or a side effect of feeling better, but damn, I want to get high so bad. I have no idea who I could score anything off of. I know my backyard neighbors are growing weed, but that's not what I want. I want mescaline, LSD, DMT, X, something that will make me see pretty colors.
I keep getting the urge to ask facebook if anyone knows where I can score some LSD, but I think that would be a Very Bad Idea. I'm feeling reckless and confident, but not that reckless. It's a fine line between reckless and retarded.
Josh eventually texted me back, and now he's worrying me because everything is hearts and roses w/him. He also gave me a classic and hilarious line: "If I was rich I would make all your dreams come true". I laughed so fucking hard over that. He's also told me I have perfect nipples, which was far more endearing than making dreams reality.
Well, if I was rich all my dreams would be true, motherfucker.
I'm liking the New & Improved Zoloft-Enriched Me. I'm fucking awesome.
I keep getting the urge to ask facebook if anyone knows where I can score some LSD, but I think that would be a Very Bad Idea. I'm feeling reckless and confident, but not that reckless. It's a fine line between reckless and retarded.
Josh eventually texted me back, and now he's worrying me because everything is hearts and roses w/him. He also gave me a classic and hilarious line: "If I was rich I would make all your dreams come true". I laughed so fucking hard over that. He's also told me I have perfect nipples, which was far more endearing than making dreams reality.
Well, if I was rich all my dreams would be true, motherfucker.
I'm liking the New & Improved Zoloft-Enriched Me. I'm fucking awesome.
Hostage Situation
Jun. 1st, 2014 06:58 pmYeah, I'm still pretty messed up.
My sister texted me that she loved me & my husband. I texted her back to ask her if she'd been taken hostage. I honestly thought she found out she was terminal or maybe had decided to commit suicide.
So I laid in bed for a few minutes wondering what I'd do if she was actually dying and my Zoloft high kicked in & was like, 'Wheeee, let's put the fun back in funeral!!!'
I suppose there are some drawbacks to chemically induced happiness.
My sister texted me that she loved me & my husband. I texted her back to ask her if she'd been taken hostage. I honestly thought she found out she was terminal or maybe had decided to commit suicide.
So I laid in bed for a few minutes wondering what I'd do if she was actually dying and my Zoloft high kicked in & was like, 'Wheeee, let's put the fun back in funeral!!!'
I suppose there are some drawbacks to chemically induced happiness.
Zoloft FTW
May. 27th, 2014 06:23 am
I kind of feel like I've wasted the past decade or so. I feel so good right now. It's a world of difference between how I was feeling back in Dec/Jan vs. the past two weeks. I'm still a waste of human space, but at least now I'm an alert & curious, waste of human space.
I almost accidentally applied for a 911 Dispatcher position in Elko, NV. I don't even know where Elko is.
I also accidentally on-purpose sent a text to Josh. It's been almost 12 hours w/no response. I don't think he's taking the bait. I'm going to let him go I suppose. It's just mean of me to keep trying to string him along when I don't really want to be with him as a partner.
It's always made me curious as to why men get so possessive & protective of me. The women I've been with, too. I don't think I project that needy dependent vibe. Of course, I never get to ask any of them after the relationships end. We always just go our separate ways, no questions asked.
I almost accidentally applied for a 911 Dispatcher position in Elko, NV. I don't even know where Elko is.
I also accidentally on-purpose sent a text to Josh. It's been almost 12 hours w/no response. I don't think he's taking the bait. I'm going to let him go I suppose. It's just mean of me to keep trying to string him along when I don't really want to be with him as a partner.
It's always made me curious as to why men get so possessive & protective of me. The women I've been with, too. I don't think I project that needy dependent vibe. Of course, I never get to ask any of them after the relationships end. We always just go our separate ways, no questions asked.
Well, I'm up to 100mg of Zoloft daily. Yesterday I didn't feel any different. Last night I got a bad case of 'crawling out of my skin', which actually has a clinical name - akathisia. I went upstairs & got some coffee - caffeine's an antidepressant that works quite well for me, and I called Rob. That was a big step for me - to call Rob & tell him I just needed to talk to him for a few minutes, kind of pull me out of myself a little. I told Rob about my trust issues a week or so ago, and just telling him that I don't trust him or anyone else on the planet has led me to instill more trust in him. Like I'm subconsciously testing the waters to see what floats.
We're getting a fence around our front yard to deal w/our neighbor issues. The family living next door has a pack of people in & out, including a devil-child who loves to ring doorbells and throw rocks at the house. The fence probably won't stop the rock-throwing, but it should discourage the running around in the yard & doorbell-ringing.
Then there's Josh, who has been calling/texting over the past week. He has had some legal issues surrounding DUIs, an assault on a police officer, and probation violations, so he's currently a fugitive. I get the nasty feeling he's going to try to come to Vegas in the next week or so, looking for a port in the storm. This harbor's dried up, buddy.
We're getting a fence around our front yard to deal w/our neighbor issues. The family living next door has a pack of people in & out, including a devil-child who loves to ring doorbells and throw rocks at the house. The fence probably won't stop the rock-throwing, but it should discourage the running around in the yard & doorbell-ringing.
Then there's Josh, who has been calling/texting over the past week. He has had some legal issues surrounding DUIs, an assault on a police officer, and probation violations, so he's currently a fugitive. I get the nasty feeling he's going to try to come to Vegas in the next week or so, looking for a port in the storm. This harbor's dried up, buddy.
Zoloft Switcheroo
Apr. 19th, 2014 12:02 pm
I did feel better last night, having taken the 50mg of Zoloft instead of 25. My stomach was fine. So this morning (well, it's noon now - I'm up past my bedtime as usual), I skipped the Zoloft. I'm going to try the 50ng again when I get up.
Rob & I watch The Walking Dead (much like almost everyone else who has AMC or the internet). The season finale was amazing. I loved the Governor, but I can honestly say this last episode was my favorite. Rick, Daryl, Michonne & Carl were so confident, so assured, when they walked into Terminus. Even without their weapons, none of them faltered or had to look at each other for confirmation of their words or actions. It made me think of the term from Stephen King's Dark Tower universe: ka-tet. Each one of them has gone through a unique and powerful rebirth, and come out the other side as strong individuals - but together they could take down mountains. Rick's right - won't the Hunters/Terminus feel stupid when they find out?
(Just now, looking it up, of course I'm not the only one it occurred to, lol.)
Rob & I watch The Walking Dead (much like almost everyone else who has AMC or the internet). The season finale was amazing. I loved the Governor, but I can honestly say this last episode was my favorite. Rick, Daryl, Michonne & Carl were so confident, so assured, when they walked into Terminus. Even without their weapons, none of them faltered or had to look at each other for confirmation of their words or actions. It made me think of the term from Stephen King's Dark Tower universe: ka-tet. Each one of them has gone through a unique and powerful rebirth, and come out the other side as strong individuals - but together they could take down mountains. Rick's right - won't the Hunters/Terminus feel stupid when they find out?
(Just now, looking it up, of course I'm not the only one it occurred to, lol.)
Dark Nights
Apr. 18th, 2014 11:28 amI've been taking 50mg of Zoloft, about 12 hours apart, mainly because it upsets my stomach.
I don't think it's enough. I've been having some very dark nights lately.
I just feel like I'm a waste of resources, and I can't figure out how to make myself feel worthwhile, or feel less like a complete failure. I'm just a warm body, taking up space on a crowded planet. I try not to dwell on it, but the thoughts are insidious and they creep back in, especially at 4am, when I'm up alone w/few distractions. I'm just glad there are no pain-free methods for me to try out. All I've got is sharp pointy things and things that go boom. And I worry more about failing than I do about succeeding. Which I suppose is the sentiment behind 'whatever gets you through the night'.
I'm going to try something different tonight. I took my morning dose, and when I get up I'm going to take 2 (an additional 50mg) and see how I feel. Then I'll try that until my pshrink appts. next week and talk it over w/both my prescribing psych & my therapist.
Huh. There are suicide hotline chats available.
I don't think it's enough. I've been having some very dark nights lately.
I just feel like I'm a waste of resources, and I can't figure out how to make myself feel worthwhile, or feel less like a complete failure. I'm just a warm body, taking up space on a crowded planet. I try not to dwell on it, but the thoughts are insidious and they creep back in, especially at 4am, when I'm up alone w/few distractions. I'm just glad there are no pain-free methods for me to try out. All I've got is sharp pointy things and things that go boom. And I worry more about failing than I do about succeeding. Which I suppose is the sentiment behind 'whatever gets you through the night'.
I'm going to try something different tonight. I took my morning dose, and when I get up I'm going to take 2 (an additional 50mg) and see how I feel. Then I'll try that until my pshrink appts. next week and talk it over w/both my prescribing psych & my therapist.
Huh. There are suicide hotline chats available.
Zoloft Day 26
Feb. 24th, 2014 11:18 am
I think I'm feeling better.
I feel more calm & centered over the past two days. My stomach is still kind of clenched right after I take the Zoloft, and the hunger has not returned. I get hungry & I eat at my normal times.
I am still off my Elavil, which means I'm not dreaming, or sleeping all that well.
I am Getting Stuff Done. Even if it's one small thing a day, it's still a Thing that is Done. And I'm not beating myself up for all the crap I should do. One thing a day is Enough. Yesterday I weeded and took pictures of a couple of flowering weeds before I killed them, one being a thistle of some sort & the other being a nipplewort or mustard of some other sort. The other day I accompanied Rob to the hardware store & we bought supplies for me to tie up the little pine tree we have out front. Tomorrow that is my Thing to Do - tie up the little tree. This morning was grocery shopping.
I feel more calm & centered over the past two days. My stomach is still kind of clenched right after I take the Zoloft, and the hunger has not returned. I get hungry & I eat at my normal times.
I am still off my Elavil, which means I'm not dreaming, or sleeping all that well.
I am Getting Stuff Done. Even if it's one small thing a day, it's still a Thing that is Done. And I'm not beating myself up for all the crap I should do. One thing a day is Enough. Yesterday I weeded and took pictures of a couple of flowering weeds before I killed them, one being a thistle of some sort & the other being a nipplewort or mustard of some other sort. The other day I accompanied Rob to the hardware store & we bought supplies for me to tie up the little pine tree we have out front. Tomorrow that is my Thing to Do - tie up the little tree. This morning was grocery shopping.
Zoloft Day 19
Feb. 17th, 2014 05:53 amI'm starting to feel better, a little. Much of the achey/painy has gone away. Spinal nerves need serotonin & all that to interpret signals coming from the body to the brain... too little and any sensation at all can be mistranslated as pain. Just from like, sitting. So the good news is that my ass is not constantly sore like it has been. My stomach, though, is a very different story. Even splitting the dose up is rough. I spent most of the last few hours trying to determine if I was going to puke or not.
Sleeping is also no-go. I'm sitting here yawning, and I will probably be able to fall asleep, but I get the feeling I'll be awake by 10am if I do. And I won't be able to go back to sleep. I'm cutting out Starbucks this week, partly to eliminate the extra caffeine, and partly because I can easily spend $40 a week on coffee. It's as bad as a pack-a-day cigarette habit.
The self-defeating or negative inner dialogue is very hard to shut down. Introspection is hard to shut down. Comparing myself to everyone around me is hard to shut down. But I've never benefitted much from positive affirmations so there's nothing to replace the inner dialogue. Just mindfulness, which also backfires because I start thinking about how tedious another 40 years or so of doing some inane task will be... and the silence that I had on the first few days of the Zoloft is fading.
Which is why I continue to focus on the physical symptoms and don't allow myself to just write. It could get ugly in here.
Sleeping is also no-go. I'm sitting here yawning, and I will probably be able to fall asleep, but I get the feeling I'll be awake by 10am if I do. And I won't be able to go back to sleep. I'm cutting out Starbucks this week, partly to eliminate the extra caffeine, and partly because I can easily spend $40 a week on coffee. It's as bad as a pack-a-day cigarette habit.
The self-defeating or negative inner dialogue is very hard to shut down. Introspection is hard to shut down. Comparing myself to everyone around me is hard to shut down. But I've never benefitted much from positive affirmations so there's nothing to replace the inner dialogue. Just mindfulness, which also backfires because I start thinking about how tedious another 40 years or so of doing some inane task will be... and the silence that I had on the first few days of the Zoloft is fading.
Which is why I continue to focus on the physical symptoms and don't allow myself to just write. It could get ugly in here.
Zoloft Day 17
Feb. 15th, 2014 08:49 am
Splitting the dose up worked better. Spent most of last night w/an upset stomach, which is better than being ravenous. I'm fat, but damn, I don't 'live to eat'. I don't even like to think about food anymore. I'm waiting for the day when we have nutritionally complete food cubes. Being hungry all the time sucks. With all of Rob's new allergies (or his imagined allergies), we don't even keep 'food' in the house, so I kept ending up in the kitchen looking at nothing, wondering to myself, "Why the fuck did I come in here again?".
Had one of my 'I'd rather be invisible' nights last night. I used to like attention, used to like people seeing me. I used to be shocking and bawdy on purpose so people would notice me.
Now, not so much. The casino was extremely crowded last night, and I just felt like I was in everyone's way. I got called to work out front because we had a fairly large line, and instead of popping into the suicide window like I normally would (the one where the line leads up to), I hid behind a pillar & answered phones.
I don't know what happened to me.
Had one of my 'I'd rather be invisible' nights last night. I used to like attention, used to like people seeing me. I used to be shocking and bawdy on purpose so people would notice me.
Now, not so much. The casino was extremely crowded last night, and I just felt like I was in everyone's way. I got called to work out front because we had a fairly large line, and instead of popping into the suicide window like I normally would (the one where the line leads up to), I hid behind a pillar & answered phones.
I don't know what happened to me.
Zoloft Day 16
Feb. 14th, 2014 07:00 am
Taking 2 Zoloft isn't too terrible. It's not real great, either. I felt borderline sick all day yesterday. Headachey, nauseous. Sort of weirdly out-of-breath, like I couldn't take a full, deep inhalation. I think I'm going to split the pills up into 2 doses.
Some of the hunger has subsided, which is a relief.
I got some silk embroidery thread w/the tax return. The colors are amazing.
Some of the hunger has subsided, which is a relief.
I got some silk embroidery thread w/the tax return. The colors are amazing.
Zoloft Day 14
Feb. 12th, 2014 11:57 amTime to up the dose to 50mg. I'm trying 2 25mg at the same time, if things get weird I'll split them up.
So far, nothing too weird. Other than the fact that I'm horny & hungry all the time. Sooooo fucking hungry. I mean, I keep ending up in the kitchen. It's a good thing we have no readily edible food in there. Same for the snack machine at work. I bought nuts, just because they're relatively harmless. This is the first time in my life I've ever been concerned about weight-gain.
I guess it's a plus that along with the constant hunger, there's nausea and the knotted stomach feeling. So I'm starving but slightly nauseous so I don't actually want to eat. The nausea subsides once I eat, for a little while. At least, until I get hungry again. It's ridiculous.
I should blog more, but... eh. It's the Valentine season in the Dragon Cave. Previous Holiday dragons are now unlimited. About fucking time. I'm supposed to do things that distract myself, and DC is distracting. As is WoW, and the dog and reading and embroidery... and food. Good Gods, food. Blogging is not distracting because I start thinking about how fucked up things are for me, and I'm supposed to shut off the negative self-dialogue.
All I can think about is dissociation. How often I do it, how it is a defense mechanism, how easy it is to slip into... and I wonder if I've ever meditated at all, or if it's all been dissociation, or maybe meditation has made it worse... and sleep. When I was little I slept a lot at odd times. I could be awake all night but when it came time to go to school, I'd drop off into the deepest slumber imaginable. Same with when I went to live w/my cousin. It was almost like narcolepsy. If I knew I would be getting beat when she got home, I couldn't fight the sleep off. Math classes were naptime, too. And now at work. I keep telling people this is the year I get fired for sleeping on the job.
At least I am getting some relief people to train at work.
I go back to the therapist on the 20th.
So far, nothing too weird. Other than the fact that I'm horny & hungry all the time. Sooooo fucking hungry. I mean, I keep ending up in the kitchen. It's a good thing we have no readily edible food in there. Same for the snack machine at work. I bought nuts, just because they're relatively harmless. This is the first time in my life I've ever been concerned about weight-gain.
I guess it's a plus that along with the constant hunger, there's nausea and the knotted stomach feeling. So I'm starving but slightly nauseous so I don't actually want to eat. The nausea subsides once I eat, for a little while. At least, until I get hungry again. It's ridiculous.
I should blog more, but... eh. It's the Valentine season in the Dragon Cave. Previous Holiday dragons are now unlimited. About fucking time. I'm supposed to do things that distract myself, and DC is distracting. As is WoW, and the dog and reading and embroidery... and food. Good Gods, food. Blogging is not distracting because I start thinking about how fucked up things are for me, and I'm supposed to shut off the negative self-dialogue.
All I can think about is dissociation. How often I do it, how it is a defense mechanism, how easy it is to slip into... and I wonder if I've ever meditated at all, or if it's all been dissociation, or maybe meditation has made it worse... and sleep. When I was little I slept a lot at odd times. I could be awake all night but when it came time to go to school, I'd drop off into the deepest slumber imaginable. Same with when I went to live w/my cousin. It was almost like narcolepsy. If I knew I would be getting beat when she got home, I couldn't fight the sleep off. Math classes were naptime, too. And now at work. I keep telling people this is the year I get fired for sleeping on the job.
At least I am getting some relief people to train at work.
I go back to the therapist on the 20th.
Zoloft Day 8
Feb. 6th, 2014 09:26 pmI'm scary today.
At the behest of my husband, I cleaned my desk off. We were going to hang a stag skull over my desk, but Rob had marred the skull considerably trying to remove a broken section. I don't really care, but he wants it to look nice, so I told him to just take the antlers for his projects. We've already got the nice one over the front door. Him & Bob are buddies.
I started gathering up all the little scraps of paper that my desk accumulates. Song titles, shopping lists, business cards, favorite quotes, reminders of things to do... and I decided to put together a contact list for Rob. Just in case something happened to me (or to him, for that matter). So everything would be handy, in one easy to reach place.
I'm telling myself that it's just in case I end up in mental health care. But I really know it's suicide. It used to just sort of be an OCD-type thing. It was always there, circulating in my head, an easy answer to anything. This time, there's a feeling like I'm trying to put things in order. I know it's bad, I know I should tell someone, but I feel like a puppet. There's an inevitability about it. I don't think it's the Zoloft, because it started before I went to the pshrink. That's why I went to the pshrink in the first place.
I can honestly say this is the worst it's ever been.
At the behest of my husband, I cleaned my desk off. We were going to hang a stag skull over my desk, but Rob had marred the skull considerably trying to remove a broken section. I don't really care, but he wants it to look nice, so I told him to just take the antlers for his projects. We've already got the nice one over the front door. Him & Bob are buddies.
I started gathering up all the little scraps of paper that my desk accumulates. Song titles, shopping lists, business cards, favorite quotes, reminders of things to do... and I decided to put together a contact list for Rob. Just in case something happened to me (or to him, for that matter). So everything would be handy, in one easy to reach place.
I'm telling myself that it's just in case I end up in mental health care. But I really know it's suicide. It used to just sort of be an OCD-type thing. It was always there, circulating in my head, an easy answer to anything. This time, there's a feeling like I'm trying to put things in order. I know it's bad, I know I should tell someone, but I feel like a puppet. There's an inevitability about it. I don't think it's the Zoloft, because it started before I went to the pshrink. That's why I went to the pshrink in the first place.
I can honestly say this is the worst it's ever been.
Zoloft Day 6
Feb. 4th, 2014 10:56 pmI have felt a little strange all day. There's a tightness in my solar plexus. I also feel like I'm right on the brink of bursting into tears for no reason whatsoever. The brain-silence comes & goes.
I managed to wash all the dishes.
This past week, there's been some nausea coupled with extreme hunger. But when I sit down to eat, I can't eat that much because my stomach is knotted. The pshrink took me off the Elavil so I could get a baseline w/the Zoloft, and as a result, if something wakes me up I can't go back to sleep. Yay.
I managed to wash all the dishes.
This past week, there's been some nausea coupled with extreme hunger. But when I sit down to eat, I can't eat that much because my stomach is knotted. The pshrink took me off the Elavil so I could get a baseline w/the Zoloft, and as a result, if something wakes me up I can't go back to sleep. Yay.
Zoloft Day 2
Jan. 30th, 2014 10:31 pmAnti-depressants have a weird effect on me.
My brain is very quiet. I feel like I've reached my center while meditating, without all the meditation. It's weird. Feels kind of like the moments right before I fall asleep. It's the 4am of the mind. I just noticed it, too. It's been there all day, on and off. And there's a detachment that goes along with it.
The lights in the room suddenly got brighter, too. Not painfully, just noticeably.
I know it takes about a month or so before the 'full effects' really kick in, but there are always precursors. The brain-silence has been there for all the various anti-ds I've tried.
It's been windy all day. Tomorrow is trash day. Typical.
My brain is very quiet. I feel like I've reached my center while meditating, without all the meditation. It's weird. Feels kind of like the moments right before I fall asleep. It's the 4am of the mind. I just noticed it, too. It's been there all day, on and off. And there's a detachment that goes along with it.
The lights in the room suddenly got brighter, too. Not painfully, just noticeably.
I know it takes about a month or so before the 'full effects' really kick in, but there are always precursors. The brain-silence has been there for all the various anti-ds I've tried.
It's been windy all day. Tomorrow is trash day. Typical.
Journaling Again
Jan. 30th, 2014 02:00 amSo here I am, back at the blank page.
Depression, suicidal ideation, same ol story. Went back to the pshrink. Started Zoloft at 25mg. At least I didn't wake up to screamingly bright lights like I did w/Paxil, lol.
It's this cycle. I'll never get off it. All I can do is ride it out & hope for the upticks. I'm trying not to sabotage another job. At 40 and w/the economy the way it is I'll never get hired anywhere again.
I'm supposed to do things that, even if they are fleeting, distract me out of my abject misery. Play with the dog, watch action flicks, that kind of thing. Tried to engage the dog in play-time, the dog was less than impressed. I cannot depend on others for distraction. Watched an episode of Boardwalk Empire, which is a decent drama with good characters, and there were a lot of interesting plot twists in the episode we watched tonight, so I had a full hour of distraction.
Depression, suicidal ideation, same ol story. Went back to the pshrink. Started Zoloft at 25mg. At least I didn't wake up to screamingly bright lights like I did w/Paxil, lol.
It's this cycle. I'll never get off it. All I can do is ride it out & hope for the upticks. I'm trying not to sabotage another job. At 40 and w/the economy the way it is I'll never get hired anywhere again.
I'm supposed to do things that, even if they are fleeting, distract me out of my abject misery. Play with the dog, watch action flicks, that kind of thing. Tried to engage the dog in play-time, the dog was less than impressed. I cannot depend on others for distraction. Watched an episode of Boardwalk Empire, which is a decent drama with good characters, and there were a lot of interesting plot twists in the episode we watched tonight, so I had a full hour of distraction.
