I Finished My Website!
May. 10th, 2007 05:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
perzephone
Finally. I sort of put less in there than I originally intended, but I got tired of looking at table code. Not to mention fighting with Netscape frames. Netscape sucks.
I go back to work Saturday night. (insert sarcasm font) Joy.
The semester is rolling to a close, my leave is rolling to a close. I'm walking pretty good again, a lot of the cramping & weird nerve pains have subsided. I still can't put pressure directly on my knee, like getting in & out of bed - it hurts like a badly scraped & bruised knee still, but I'm sure that painfully knobbly feeling will go away. The whole knee feels tight, like it's new & I have to break it in or something. It's hard to explain. Like there's a thick, heavy rubber band stretched over the top & around the sides, only it's just my skin, no brace or taping. Weird.
The physical therapist threatened to massage my left leg today & I was like, "no, it's not on the bill, you don't have to worry about it"... I do all these stretches & exercises but my hamstrings & other tendons just won't stay loose. I'm just tense all the time, in flight-or-fight mode, ready to spring into action at the drop of a hat. Or I would be if I wasn't so stiff. I think if I ever completely relaxed I would die. It would be a great way to commit suicide, but like other methods, I can't. I just can't relax. It never happens. Even when I fall asleep in the bathtub (which is every time I take a bath), I'm still partially alert because of the fact that if someone grabs your ankles & pulls you under, you involuntarily gasp & therefore inhale water. Unless you are particularly strong and acrobatic in the upper body, you also cannot fight your way out of bathtub when someone has your ankles. That and if my knees unlock I slip under the surface & breathe water up my nose, which is among my least favorite things to do.
I chant mantras, I stretch, I do those body-part by body-part relaxation techniques, but the minute I move from say, my big toe to the top of my foot, my big toe tenses up again. I try to drape myself across my balance ball & end up looking more like a teeter-totter board. I'm starting to wonder if I'm really depressed or if anxiety is my true problem. Or if it's a combination. The pt asked me if I was afraid to relax & it's not that... I mean, wow, I relax, big deal. People relax all the time & nothing ever happens to them. They don't suddenly dissolve into boneless piles of goo. In fact, I'd kind of like to get rid of the jumpiness & how easily startled I can be - that heart-wrenching, gut-emptying rush of adrenaline every time something behind me makes a noise or Rob throws the bean-bag lizard at me. I've been biting his head off for the past week - it is more than time for me to go back to work, no matter how much I'm dreading it. My "sorry, Rob"s are sounding hollow because, well, I can't stop biting his head off. I try to not snap, but it's in every word I say. I'm not angry at him, I'm not irritated at him, I'm not on the rag & he doesn't deserve to have me snapping at him because he's been very supportive and has honestly helped me this entire month. I'm just tired of being stuck in the house all day & I need different people to snap at.
I've decided that I'm going to order an assload of 'nature sounds' CD's & take 'em to work with me. No more heartbreak songs at 3am, no more Metallica moments. Just the soothing sounds of whales & rainfall & jungles.
Tonight & tomorrow night, though, I'm going to make an honest effort to relax. Even if it takes a 6-pack of Corona and three or four Darvocets to do it.
I go back to work Saturday night. (insert sarcasm font) Joy.
The semester is rolling to a close, my leave is rolling to a close. I'm walking pretty good again, a lot of the cramping & weird nerve pains have subsided. I still can't put pressure directly on my knee, like getting in & out of bed - it hurts like a badly scraped & bruised knee still, but I'm sure that painfully knobbly feeling will go away. The whole knee feels tight, like it's new & I have to break it in or something. It's hard to explain. Like there's a thick, heavy rubber band stretched over the top & around the sides, only it's just my skin, no brace or taping. Weird.
The physical therapist threatened to massage my left leg today & I was like, "no, it's not on the bill, you don't have to worry about it"... I do all these stretches & exercises but my hamstrings & other tendons just won't stay loose. I'm just tense all the time, in flight-or-fight mode, ready to spring into action at the drop of a hat. Or I would be if I wasn't so stiff. I think if I ever completely relaxed I would die. It would be a great way to commit suicide, but like other methods, I can't. I just can't relax. It never happens. Even when I fall asleep in the bathtub (which is every time I take a bath), I'm still partially alert because of the fact that if someone grabs your ankles & pulls you under, you involuntarily gasp & therefore inhale water. Unless you are particularly strong and acrobatic in the upper body, you also cannot fight your way out of bathtub when someone has your ankles. That and if my knees unlock I slip under the surface & breathe water up my nose, which is among my least favorite things to do.
I chant mantras, I stretch, I do those body-part by body-part relaxation techniques, but the minute I move from say, my big toe to the top of my foot, my big toe tenses up again. I try to drape myself across my balance ball & end up looking more like a teeter-totter board. I'm starting to wonder if I'm really depressed or if anxiety is my true problem. Or if it's a combination. The pt asked me if I was afraid to relax & it's not that... I mean, wow, I relax, big deal. People relax all the time & nothing ever happens to them. They don't suddenly dissolve into boneless piles of goo. In fact, I'd kind of like to get rid of the jumpiness & how easily startled I can be - that heart-wrenching, gut-emptying rush of adrenaline every time something behind me makes a noise or Rob throws the bean-bag lizard at me. I've been biting his head off for the past week - it is more than time for me to go back to work, no matter how much I'm dreading it. My "sorry, Rob"s are sounding hollow because, well, I can't stop biting his head off. I try to not snap, but it's in every word I say. I'm not angry at him, I'm not irritated at him, I'm not on the rag & he doesn't deserve to have me snapping at him because he's been very supportive and has honestly helped me this entire month. I'm just tired of being stuck in the house all day & I need different people to snap at.
I've decided that I'm going to order an assload of 'nature sounds' CD's & take 'em to work with me. No more heartbreak songs at 3am, no more Metallica moments. Just the soothing sounds of whales & rainfall & jungles.
Tonight & tomorrow night, though, I'm going to make an honest effort to relax. Even if it takes a 6-pack of Corona and three or four Darvocets to do it.
