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perzephone
When I had created my 'kiyotesong' journal, I had made all these tables of magical herbs & their correspondences. I swear, as I created them, I deleted my original documents from my computer...
I was looking to see what all I could clean out of my documents since the semester has ended, and all the magical herb stuff is still there on my hard drive.
I am seriously losing my mind.
I also played hooky from physical therapy this afternoon. Rob & I watched Full Metal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shamballa tonight. It was okay. I think I would have preferred it to just be 4 or 5 more of the series episodes instead of crammed into a 2-hour movie.
(My back hurts... this should have been Wednesday's post but I whined to tribe instead:
I'm starting to wonder if maybe I've got anxiety more than depression. Or maybe anxiety is compounding my depression?
It's all the physical therapist's fault, really. She has been doing deep-tissue massage on my right leg to help the muscles respond to treatment so that my leg will be strong & support my knee more than it was before the surgery. She hits these nerves & tendons that go up the back of my leg & I just want to leap off the bench and run screaming into the desert. It freaking hurts so bad! I always do the stretches & exercises before she works on me, so I should be 'warmed up' & 'loosened up'. I can feel the tendons easing a little when I do the hamstring stretches, but by the time I go to the bench for her to work on me, it's like high tension wires again. She threatened to work on my left leg today & I was like, "no, that won't be necessary..." I've never gone to a professional masseuse or had a spa treatment because I'm literally afraid for anyone to rub me. I know it's going to hurt all over. In fact, I'm in muscular pain 99% of the time anymore, even in muscles that I've always used and muscles that should be relaxed. I ache constantly, all over. Doesn't matter how active or inactive I am, I just hurt continually.
I know part of it is my knees & my lower back. When your support system is out of whack, it can throw your entire body out of whack, but my scoliosis isn't that bad yet, and my knees have been out of whack for a loooong time - the ol' flesh & bones should be used to it by now.
The p.t. asked me if I was afraid to relax, & no, that's not it. I just can't relax. I chant mantras, I stretch, I do yoga, I have a balance ball. I do those relaxation techniques where you start with your toes & work your way up, one body part at a time. By the time I reach my knees, my toes have tensed up again. No matter how drunk I get, there's always a string of vague worries floating around in my brain. I can't escape, I have no releases, it's just always there. So I decided to check out the symptoms of anxiety...
Excessive, ongoing worry and tension - well, isn't that what I just described?
An unrealistic view of problems - not sure if my view of my problems is all that unrealistic.
Restlessness or a feeling of being "edgy" - constantly.
Irritability - heh, ask my husband & coworkers about this one.
Muscle tension - ask my p.t.
Headaches - Not so much anymore. I used to get horrible migraines til I started taking beta-blockers for my high b.p. Now it's almost a relief to get a headache because I know it's just a headache, probably due to sinus pressure or eyestrain, not a migraine that's going to make me go blind, puke my toenails up & land me in a dark closet for three days. If I run out of my b.p. pills & can't get 'em refilled for a couple of days I'm in for a beating, though.
Sweating - Not so much. I usually panic if I sweat. If I sweat, it's because I'm exercising & that's cause for panic in my book.
Difficulty concentrating - oh, hey, look, a chicken! No, this isn't one of my problems usually, but sometimes I find I have hyper-concentration where I'll be so focused on one thing that I can't unfocus to multi-task anything else.
Nausea - not so much. I have an ulcer, though.
The need to go to the bathroom frequently - nah, got that one under control.
Tiredness - all the time. I'm horribly, horribly alert, but always tired.
Trouble falling or staying asleep - I take a pill for this. It hasn't been working lately. I haven't been dreaming much lately, either - so I know it's not working as well as it should be.
Trembling - sometimes
Being easily startled - oh yeah. I'd like to stop being easily startled, too. I'm jumpy as fuck.
So that's basically 9 out of 14. I wonder if there's an online quiz that could give me a definitive diagnosis, lol.)
I was looking to see what all I could clean out of my documents since the semester has ended, and all the magical herb stuff is still there on my hard drive.
I am seriously losing my mind.
I also played hooky from physical therapy this afternoon. Rob & I watched Full Metal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shamballa tonight. It was okay. I think I would have preferred it to just be 4 or 5 more of the series episodes instead of crammed into a 2-hour movie.
(My back hurts... this should have been Wednesday's post but I whined to tribe instead:
I'm starting to wonder if maybe I've got anxiety more than depression. Or maybe anxiety is compounding my depression?
It's all the physical therapist's fault, really. She has been doing deep-tissue massage on my right leg to help the muscles respond to treatment so that my leg will be strong & support my knee more than it was before the surgery. She hits these nerves & tendons that go up the back of my leg & I just want to leap off the bench and run screaming into the desert. It freaking hurts so bad! I always do the stretches & exercises before she works on me, so I should be 'warmed up' & 'loosened up'. I can feel the tendons easing a little when I do the hamstring stretches, but by the time I go to the bench for her to work on me, it's like high tension wires again. She threatened to work on my left leg today & I was like, "no, that won't be necessary..." I've never gone to a professional masseuse or had a spa treatment because I'm literally afraid for anyone to rub me. I know it's going to hurt all over. In fact, I'm in muscular pain 99% of the time anymore, even in muscles that I've always used and muscles that should be relaxed. I ache constantly, all over. Doesn't matter how active or inactive I am, I just hurt continually.
I know part of it is my knees & my lower back. When your support system is out of whack, it can throw your entire body out of whack, but my scoliosis isn't that bad yet, and my knees have been out of whack for a loooong time - the ol' flesh & bones should be used to it by now.
The p.t. asked me if I was afraid to relax, & no, that's not it. I just can't relax. I chant mantras, I stretch, I do yoga, I have a balance ball. I do those relaxation techniques where you start with your toes & work your way up, one body part at a time. By the time I reach my knees, my toes have tensed up again. No matter how drunk I get, there's always a string of vague worries floating around in my brain. I can't escape, I have no releases, it's just always there. So I decided to check out the symptoms of anxiety...
Excessive, ongoing worry and tension - well, isn't that what I just described?
An unrealistic view of problems - not sure if my view of my problems is all that unrealistic.
Restlessness or a feeling of being "edgy" - constantly.
Irritability - heh, ask my husband & coworkers about this one.
Muscle tension - ask my p.t.
Headaches - Not so much anymore. I used to get horrible migraines til I started taking beta-blockers for my high b.p. Now it's almost a relief to get a headache because I know it's just a headache, probably due to sinus pressure or eyestrain, not a migraine that's going to make me go blind, puke my toenails up & land me in a dark closet for three days. If I run out of my b.p. pills & can't get 'em refilled for a couple of days I'm in for a beating, though.
Sweating - Not so much. I usually panic if I sweat. If I sweat, it's because I'm exercising & that's cause for panic in my book.
Difficulty concentrating - oh, hey, look, a chicken! No, this isn't one of my problems usually, but sometimes I find I have hyper-concentration where I'll be so focused on one thing that I can't unfocus to multi-task anything else.
Nausea - not so much. I have an ulcer, though.
The need to go to the bathroom frequently - nah, got that one under control.
Tiredness - all the time. I'm horribly, horribly alert, but always tired.
Trouble falling or staying asleep - I take a pill for this. It hasn't been working lately. I haven't been dreaming much lately, either - so I know it's not working as well as it should be.
Trembling - sometimes
Being easily startled - oh yeah. I'd like to stop being easily startled, too. I'm jumpy as fuck.
So that's basically 9 out of 14. I wonder if there's an online quiz that could give me a definitive diagnosis, lol.)
