Open Letter to Lisa
Dec. 9th, 2006 05:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
perzephone
Sometimes I feel bad for how I've treated you... I know you might read this & it will probably piss you off because I'm one of so many who've abandoned you in a time of great need. It will sound like I'm making excuses, but I'm a grown woman, 32 years old, and I know myself fairly well. I didn't feel it needed to be a separate comment on your livejournal, but I felt the need to say it anyway. It's been bothering me for a long time.
I would never be enough friend for you and your kids. People who want to be a part of your life have to realize that you come as a package deal. Love you, love your kids, period, end of story. People who expect you to compromise on that aspect of your family life should reconsider getting to know you. No one should ever ask you to compromise because your kids are a part of you. You are a beautiful, wise and wonderful human being, and you bring light wherever you go. You do what you can to have a happy, healthy, prosperous home. You work hard at keeping your shit together.
I do miss you, but Lisa, you know me at least this much - I hate kids. I can't reconcile my loss of your presence in my world with having to accept that basic fact - love you, love your kids. Have you in my life - have your kids in my life. Honestly, openly and unashamedly - I can't stand 'em. Not just your kids - I can't stand any kids. I also know that you & Rob can't stand each other, and I tend to let Rob get his way as far as our socializing goes because it's easier than listening to him whine & bitch and possibly fight with my friends or co-workers. My financial & transportation situation is also never going to change, so I'm pretty much stuck with him. I have to live with him day in & day out & hearing the guy bitch is tedious beyond belief. That's why I let him sit on the couch & play video games & let myself struggle alone to meet the bills.
I used to think it was about me. You didn't really like me. You didn't really want me in your world. You got tired of me. There was just something in my make-up that made us incompatible as friends. Maybe I insulted you one too many times without it meaning to be an insult. Maybe my views on the welfare state and zero population growth are too extreme an opposition to your wanting kids & wanting motherhood. When we were teenagers & we fell out of touch I felt abandoned. When we were in the Temple & I tried so hard to be a social butterfly I felt left behind so many times. When you started having kids I felt like each kid was pushing me farther & farther away. But it's not about you not wanting me in your world at all. We're different people - you have your life, I have mine. When we were teenagers and younger adults, we could be friends... but our adult lives are like the lives of every other adult on the planet. Sometimes we outgrow people. Sometimes we get stuck. As much as you feel stuck in your stay-at-home life, I'm stuck in a dead-end job. I'm not moving forward. I'm not going anywhere. I can feel for you with all my heart in that. It's that one basic lesson we keep learning, over and over again. Wherever you go, there you are. You will not change unless you change.
I am never enough friend for anyone, and the one person I honestly tried to be a better friend to pushed me away. Of course, Ann and I are 5 years apart, and worlds apart in our beliefs, hopes, dreams and desires. The few people who honestly want me in their lives, well... I've stayed small and selfish and resentful. I apologize, sincerely, but much like a habitual sinner going to confession, I know it's a hollow apology since I won't change.
I have a few friends who have their own lives. Our paths cross less and less frequently as we get older. More and more, my sole social circle is the people I've worked with for the past almost six years. I don't invite these people to my house. I don't go out after work and drink with them. Other than Josh, I don't go to their houses. Josh was a sex thing & even though that was something I needed at the time, that was where it ended. My co-workers only know me as much as I allow them to know me, and believe me it ain't much. I don't even let Rob really get to know me. He only knows me so much, and sometimes I surprise him. He tells me, "I never realized that about you". I keep everyone at more than arms' distance from me. I feel low and mean for how I treat Sheung-Yee - she tries so hard, much like I did with Ann. She wants to come over, she wants to call & talk to me, but she's so energetic and most of the time, I'm just too tired to deal with her enthusiasm with life, the Universe and everything. Much like the hermit on the mountain, that is what I've become. People have to go far out of their way to reach me, and chances are I'll just kick 'em back down the hill... or not open the door at all.
I'm tired and my hands hurt.
Anyway, blessings of Light and Darkness,
Janelle
I would never be enough friend for you and your kids. People who want to be a part of your life have to realize that you come as a package deal. Love you, love your kids, period, end of story. People who expect you to compromise on that aspect of your family life should reconsider getting to know you. No one should ever ask you to compromise because your kids are a part of you. You are a beautiful, wise and wonderful human being, and you bring light wherever you go. You do what you can to have a happy, healthy, prosperous home. You work hard at keeping your shit together.
I do miss you, but Lisa, you know me at least this much - I hate kids. I can't reconcile my loss of your presence in my world with having to accept that basic fact - love you, love your kids. Have you in my life - have your kids in my life. Honestly, openly and unashamedly - I can't stand 'em. Not just your kids - I can't stand any kids. I also know that you & Rob can't stand each other, and I tend to let Rob get his way as far as our socializing goes because it's easier than listening to him whine & bitch and possibly fight with my friends or co-workers. My financial & transportation situation is also never going to change, so I'm pretty much stuck with him. I have to live with him day in & day out & hearing the guy bitch is tedious beyond belief. That's why I let him sit on the couch & play video games & let myself struggle alone to meet the bills.
I used to think it was about me. You didn't really like me. You didn't really want me in your world. You got tired of me. There was just something in my make-up that made us incompatible as friends. Maybe I insulted you one too many times without it meaning to be an insult. Maybe my views on the welfare state and zero population growth are too extreme an opposition to your wanting kids & wanting motherhood. When we were teenagers & we fell out of touch I felt abandoned. When we were in the Temple & I tried so hard to be a social butterfly I felt left behind so many times. When you started having kids I felt like each kid was pushing me farther & farther away. But it's not about you not wanting me in your world at all. We're different people - you have your life, I have mine. When we were teenagers and younger adults, we could be friends... but our adult lives are like the lives of every other adult on the planet. Sometimes we outgrow people. Sometimes we get stuck. As much as you feel stuck in your stay-at-home life, I'm stuck in a dead-end job. I'm not moving forward. I'm not going anywhere. I can feel for you with all my heart in that. It's that one basic lesson we keep learning, over and over again. Wherever you go, there you are. You will not change unless you change.
I am never enough friend for anyone, and the one person I honestly tried to be a better friend to pushed me away. Of course, Ann and I are 5 years apart, and worlds apart in our beliefs, hopes, dreams and desires. The few people who honestly want me in their lives, well... I've stayed small and selfish and resentful. I apologize, sincerely, but much like a habitual sinner going to confession, I know it's a hollow apology since I won't change.
I have a few friends who have their own lives. Our paths cross less and less frequently as we get older. More and more, my sole social circle is the people I've worked with for the past almost six years. I don't invite these people to my house. I don't go out after work and drink with them. Other than Josh, I don't go to their houses. Josh was a sex thing & even though that was something I needed at the time, that was where it ended. My co-workers only know me as much as I allow them to know me, and believe me it ain't much. I don't even let Rob really get to know me. He only knows me so much, and sometimes I surprise him. He tells me, "I never realized that about you". I keep everyone at more than arms' distance from me. I feel low and mean for how I treat Sheung-Yee - she tries so hard, much like I did with Ann. She wants to come over, she wants to call & talk to me, but she's so energetic and most of the time, I'm just too tired to deal with her enthusiasm with life, the Universe and everything. Much like the hermit on the mountain, that is what I've become. People have to go far out of their way to reach me, and chances are I'll just kick 'em back down the hill... or not open the door at all.
I'm tired and my hands hurt.
Anyway, blessings of Light and Darkness,
Janelle
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-12-10 07:58 am (UTC)First of all, my 'closest friend' comment was about Era. She had been the one who was actually into crafts, liked my kids and seemed to like me for me but as soon as she got a great fuck of a guy, I was yesterday's news after a year of being friends.
As for our friendship, I can honestly say that it did hurt to know that my having kids is what came between us. Hell, I was insulted when you didnt find me attractive as a lover! Life goes on and such. You show me you care for me in your own way. It may seem small but you share your thoughts here and let me see them. From time to time, you drop a note or a present from nowhere just because you thought of me. I know you have become a hermitess and Rob is like your life challenge or something but I never once thought that you didnt like me as a person.
We are two sides of a coin, really. As cliche as it sounds, its always been that way. I never forgot the real kindness and caring you had shown me. And yeah, a part of me waiting for Rob to die so we could hang out more but hey, we got time, right?
How Ive always seen you has been someone that truly is going their own way, even if its into their own dementia, you are going -your- way and no one else's. I still think you are selling yourself WAY SHORT on how you see yourself but then, I do the same and you can see the great stuff inside of me so it must be that 'eye of beholder' phenomena.
The only thing Ive ever expected from you as my friend and sis was to accept me for who I am and care about me. You do just that. I learned a long time ago that you were your own person and even with our differences, you cared about me. I respect you the same way. For you to suddenly want to be at my house, drowning in my kids and listen to me babble on about giving birth would scare me and I would seriously ask if your medications were alright. I accept that we are different and I love you just the same. Maybe its all part of that getting older thing but all that is really important these days is to share my life with my loved ones knowing they love me for me.
So dont fret and sorry for the misunderstanding but you're stuck with me caring about you even behind closed doors on a mountain.
Sending the Love right back,
~Lisa
Love you, too
Date: 2006-12-10 04:20 pm (UTC)