Namaste, Bitches

Sometimes I feel bad for how I've treated you... I know you might read this & it will probably piss you off because I'm one of so many who've abandoned you in a time of great need. It will sound like I'm making excuses, but I'm a grown woman, 32 years old, and I know myself fairly well. I didn't feel it needed to be a separate comment on your livejournal, but I felt the need to say it anyway. It's been bothering me for a long time.

I would never be enough friend for you and your kids. People who want to be a part of your life have to realize that you come as a package deal. Love you, love your kids, period, end of story. People who expect you to compromise on that aspect of your family life should reconsider getting to know you. No one should ever ask you to compromise because your kids are a part of you. You are a beautiful, wise and wonderful human being, and you bring light wherever you go. You do what you can to have a happy, healthy, prosperous home. You work hard at keeping your shit together.

I do miss you, but Lisa, you know me at least this much - I hate kids. I can't reconcile my loss of your presence in my world with having to accept that basic fact - love you, love your kids. Have you in my life - have your kids in my life. Honestly, openly and unashamedly - I can't stand 'em. Not just your kids - I can't stand any kids. I also know that you & Rob can't stand each other, and I tend to let Rob get his way as far as our socializing goes because it's easier than listening to him whine & bitch and possibly fight with my friends or co-workers. My financial & transportation situation is also never going to change, so I'm pretty much stuck with him. I have to live with him day in & day out & hearing the guy bitch is tedious beyond belief. That's why I let him sit on the couch & play video games & let myself struggle alone to meet the bills.

I used to think it was about me. You didn't really like me. You didn't really want me in your world. You got tired of me. There was just something in my make-up that made us incompatible as friends. Maybe I insulted you one too many times without it meaning to be an insult. Maybe my views on the welfare state and zero population growth are too extreme an opposition to your wanting kids & wanting motherhood. When we were teenagers & we fell out of touch I felt abandoned. When we were in the Temple & I tried so hard to be a social butterfly I felt left behind so many times. When you started having kids I felt like each kid was pushing me farther & farther away. But it's not about you not wanting me in your world at all. We're different people - you have your life, I have mine. When we were teenagers and younger adults, we could be friends... but our adult lives are like the lives of every other adult on the planet. Sometimes we outgrow people. Sometimes we get stuck. As much as you feel stuck in your stay-at-home life, I'm stuck in a dead-end job. I'm not moving forward. I'm not going anywhere. I can feel for you with all my heart in that. It's that one basic lesson we keep learning, over and over again. Wherever you go, there you are. You will not change unless you change.

I am never enough friend for anyone, and the one person I honestly tried to be a better friend to pushed me away. Of course, Ann and I are 5 years apart, and worlds apart in our beliefs, hopes, dreams and desires. The few people who honestly want me in their lives, well... I've stayed small and selfish and resentful. I apologize, sincerely, but much like a habitual sinner going to confession, I know it's a hollow apology since I won't change.

I have a few friends who have their own lives. Our paths cross less and less frequently as we get older. More and more, my sole social circle is the people I've worked with for the past almost six years. I don't invite these people to my house. I don't go out after work and drink with them. Other than Josh, I don't go to their houses. Josh was a sex thing & even though that was something I needed at the time, that was where it ended. My co-workers only know me as much as I allow them to know me, and believe me it ain't much. I don't even let Rob really get to know me. He only knows me so much, and sometimes I surprise him. He tells me, "I never realized that about you". I keep everyone at more than arms' distance from me. I feel low and mean for how I treat Sheung-Yee - she tries so hard, much like I did with Ann. She wants to come over, she wants to call & talk to me, but she's so energetic and most of the time, I'm just too tired to deal with her enthusiasm with life, the Universe and everything. Much like the hermit on the mountain, that is what I've become. People have to go far out of their way to reach me, and chances are I'll just kick 'em back down the hill... or not open the door at all.

I'm tired and my hands hurt.

Anyway, blessings of Light and Darkness,
Janelle

Agh. Been going to the chiro 3X a week, stretching, etc. So today, as my period fully sets in it feels like my back is being ripped open, kind of like an alien is inside my back & ripping its way out to freedom, using my spine as leverage. The chiro couldn't even touch me today - used something called an 'activator' on me instead - it's like the thing emergency workers (and car thieves) use to break windshields, a spring-loaded weight tipped w/a rubber pad that smacks a muscle bundle & forces it to relax. It acts faster than a muscle can react to it. He hits this one spot on my left & my right leg spasms, hits another spot & my left leg gets a charlie horse. Thanks, doc. I've felt better most of tonight, even after a butt-load of walking we did in WallyWorld... but tomorrow I know I'll be waking up like the hunchback of Notre Dame. My back woke me up today, as a matter of fact. The temporary relief is nice - I was able to clean my bathroom w/relative ease, except now my knee is killing me.

I watched Rob get adjusted today - he was very crackly. It was a bit unnerving to listen to it. I think Monday I'll wait in the hallway. The massage chair is great & the TENS machine. I think I'm gonna have to seriously look into some kind of yoga, pilates or tai chi, though - unless I actually do want to end up w/my ass touching my left ear.

It's good to hear that Lisa is getting some much-deserved attention from a member of the outside world. I am not the world's greatest friend - I'm an ok long-distance pen-pal friend, but I can't commit to anything much more taxing. Email, IM's, long disjointed letters ... no problem. Taking a vested interest in someone else's world? Problem.

Called Alea last night to find out if I got any dirty email regarding the 23 days worth of revised FODR's I had to do (to the tune of 3 1/2 hours of OT), & to talk about the relief lead training they want to foist off on me... I told Alea flat out: "If they push me too hard, I will just quit." It felt good to say it, knowing that I can quit because I've achieved my one major goal. Let the Excalibur push all they want - I can push back now.

I think, though, that since I went to so much trouble to clean it, I'm gonna go sit my spasmy butt in my tub & soak.

Weeelll, the Child Haven job is already boring & I've only been there 3 weeks. Decided to stop taking the birth control pills for a month to see how much, if any, my blood pressure drops. I'm so fuckin' tired of diuretics. Took the Prince tix over to Lisa last night - she's dragging Aurren along - poor Aurren. I actually do want them to have a wonderful night out - I plan to take all my Prince CD's to work Sunday night & annoy everyone around me all evening - except Ann, Jeneice & Carlotta - all who are Prince-appreciaters.

Sometimes I hate being so responsible, but I know if I blow things off with work or at home or whatever, but I am a very nervous person. I blow something off & it eats at me.

I'd like to say I have a new hero - Doug Owsley. He fought for science and won, and he helped identify hundreds of people who lost their lives on September 11, 2001.