Namaste, Bitches

DailyOm
June 11, 2008
Living In All Realms
Bear Medicine

When the image of a bear enters our consciousness, we may first notice their size, strength, and power, but beyond their physical attributes lay many traits that can guide us deeper into our experience of life. Their abilities as hunters and powerful protectors of their loved ones are well known, but you may also envision them on a quest for variety as they seek out the flavors and scents of the world, first fishing, then enjoying berries, or braving angry bees to indulge in honey. But their hidden strength lies in the bear’s ability to travel between the physical and spiritual worlds, a talent that is recognized all around the world by those who live in harmony with nature.

One way that bears access their inner world is during hibernation when they find a safe and womblike environment to let their physical bodies rest while their spirit travels. They travel through time, mentally digesting and learning from their experiences, but they also travel beyond the realm of mind and body into the dreamtime, where they are able to create their goals and then be rejuvenated by the source of all life. In this sacred space, they are connected to physical, mental, and spiritual realms all at once and can find the balance that they need to reenter the and continue successfully in the world.

Polar bears don’t enter a deep state of hibernation like other bears, but instead fluidly cross between realms on the physical plane as well the spiritual. Their reflective, translucent fur makes them difficult to see as they move across the frozen ice, blending into terrain covered with snow, making them seem like they are shimmering between dimensions. They move as easily in water as on land, agile and able in both worlds. They can remind us that we are one with our environment, inseparable from it. They teach us that while we can take time apart to connect with spirit, we can also carry that awareness with us as we move through life, making the spiritual indistinguishable from the material. By aligning ourselves with bear energy, we fully embody the best of all worlds.

It's fox medicine at its best. Leaving things unsaid. It's funny how the freewillastrology & dailyom sometimes mirror my life. For some people, horroscopes are generalities, for me they actually work. It might just be a symptom of schizophrenia - magical thinking & all that.

But this is really where I'm at today:

DailyOm
May 9, 2008
Remembering To Pause
Beyond Reacting

We have all had the experience of reacting in a way that was less than ideal upon hearing bad news, or being unfairly criticized, or being told something we did not want to hear. This makes sense because when our emotions are triggered, they tend to take center stage, inhibiting our ability to pause before we speak. We may feel compelled to release the tension by expressing ourselves in some way, whether it’s yelling back at the person yelling at us, or rushing to deliver words of comfort to a friend in trouble. However, there is much to be said for teaching ourselves to remember to pause and take a deep breath before we respond to the shocks and insults that can come our way in life.

For one thing, our initial response is not always what’s best for us, or for the other people involved. Reacting to childish rage with childish rage will only escalate the negativity in a situation, further ensnaring us in an undesirable dynamic. Similarly, when we react defensively, or simply thoughtlessly, we often end up feeling regret over our words or actions. In the end, we save ourselves a lot of pain when we take a deep breath and really tune in to ourselves, and the other person, before we respond. This doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t say anything, although in some cases, that may be the best option.

Some situations require a fairly immediate response, but even just a moment of grounding ourselves before we do so can help enormously. The next time you find yourself wanting to react, try to pause, and in that pause, take a deep breath. Feel your feet on the floor, the air on your skin, and listen for a response to arise within you, rather than just going with the first thing that pops into your head. You may find that in that moment, there is the potential to move beyond reaction and into the more subtle and creative realm of response, where something new can happen.

I have to go get that toof pulled today. I'm worried & anxious because I've never been awake for the experience. It's something new and immensely frightening to me. The last toof they pulled broke into a bunch of pieces, when I got that wisdom toof pulled I had fingerprint bruises along my jawline. Both of those teeth took portions of my jawbone with them. I'm hoping not so much pressure will be needed since, even though it's a molar, this one is closer to the front of my mouth. I'm going to pop a couple of codeine pills before I head out the door. What may very well end up happening is that they'll take x-rays & refer me to an oral surgeon, which will annoy and relieve me at the same time.

Watched The Golden Compass last night. They did a fair adaptation to screen from the book, but the acting was hideous. It's pretty sad when a CGI bear has more passion than a character based on a gypsy. Seeing Sam Elliott was a nice little surprise, kind of like an Easter egg.

This weekend I also need to take my Net+ final and finish up my Excel class project. Which I haven't even started on, but I am the Queen of Excel Spreadsheets (an indication of this is me trying to spell 'Excel' as 'Excal') so not even starting is okay. Even if I totally bomb the Net+ final, I'll still get a C.

March 11, 2008
Nothing Big Required
You Are Enough

Most of us have the feeling that we are here to accomplish something big in our lives, and if we haven’t done something that fits the bill we may feel as if we are waiting. We may feel incomplete, or empty, as if our lives don’t yet make sense to us, because they don’t line up with our idea of major accomplishment. In some cases, this may be because we really are meant to do something that we haven’t yet done. But in most cases, we can let ourselves off the hook with the realization that just being here, being ourselves, is enough.

As we live our lives in this world, we share our energy and our spirit with the people around us in numerous ways. Our influence touches their lives and, through them, touches the lives of many more people. When we strive to live our lives to the fullest and to become our true selves, we are doing something big on an inner level, and that is more than enough to make sense of our being here on this planet at this time. There is no need to hold ourselves to an old idea in the back of our minds that we need to make headlines or single-handedly save the world in order to validate our existence.

We can each look within our hearts to discover what is true for us, what gives our lives meaning, and what excites us. We can release ourselves from any pressure to perform that comes from outside of our inner sense of purpose. Staying in tune with our own values and living our lives in tune with our own vision is all we need in order to fulfill our time here. Our lives are a process of becoming so that we cannot help but cocreate; being who we are, responding to each moment as it comes, we can trust that this is enough.

Ah, if only I could listen to advice from teh interwebs.

The Daily Om
July 26, 2005
Being Who You Are
Living Your Truth

When we are young children, we live authentically, seldom afraid or embarrassed to seek out what we want or to speak our minds. As we grow older, we tend to tuck that authenticity away, putting it aside while we chase our dreams, afraid that it might hinder us in our success. But we never let that freedom go completely. We may conform to society while embracing secret passions when alone. We may withhold certain opinions, though it doesn't change the fact that we possess them. It is important, however, to never stray too far from that youthful brashness and self-interest for they are qualities that help make you who you are. The authentic you is your true self and, in living authentically, you live your truth, making time for the things you love and projecting who you really are. The simplest way to live your truth is to leave the expectations of other behind and live the way you feel most worthwhile.

It takes being selfish in a healthy way by doing what you know is best for you, regardless of the opinions of others - even the opinions of close friends and family. Living authentically means that you make choices without fear, trusting in your soul's wisdom... If you value personal pursuits, don't feel forced into a certain job just to make enough money to keep up with your neighbors. Conversely, if you prize success in business, don't let others' perception of what's right for you hold you back. Denying your unique truth can lead to feelings of failure and dissatisfaction because you aren't acknowledging your true self. In living your truth, there are no pretenses. Everything you do will reflect who you truly are.

If you are unsure of who the authentic you really is, look inward and ask yourself what your purpose, values, and needs are. Honor your strengths and don't let yourself be guided by what other expect of you. Finally, discover your passions by trying new things, and sticking with those things that stir your soul. Finding who you really are and then making the choice to embrace you true dreams and desires will take your life in a direction that is both satisfying and deeply meaningful.

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That being said, I like money. I like having money. Yes, deciding to be a CPA instead of a mortician feels to me like abandoning all that I am - but as I told Lisa yesterday, a starting CPA w/a Bachelor's can expect to start at anywhere from $80,000 - $100,000 a year. Last night, Scott called to catch up on ol' times, & when I told him I was going to try school again for accounting, he said, "You must like numbers!" I replied, 'Why yes, especially lots of 0's at the end of my salary.'

Psychologically analyze it all ya want... I was a poor kid. My dad lost everything we had when he wrecked two different trucks. My mom died in a hospice as a governmental guinea pig & my dad died homeless w/.16c in his pocket. My mom worked for the apartment complexes we lived in - renovating apartments, killing weeds, pool maintenance. She was not a healthy or strong woman physically, but she was determined that we not be out on the streets. I spent the better part of a year like Abraham Lincoln as a teenager - living in a log cabin w/no lights or heat because my dad couldn't keep a job. I did my homework by candlelight & took freezing-cold baths as quickly as possible. I volunteered for P.E. even tho I had all the credits I needed so I could have the luxury of a hot shower. We hunted & fished to feed ourselves through most of the year, and in Autumn I got to harvest fruit from orchards w/illegal immigrants who thought I was just in it for the worldly experience. Hell no, I was in it to take home the less-than-suitable for market display discarded fruit, just like they were. I've eaten out of dumpsters, I've listened to church sermons so I could be fed in the dining hall or the soup kitchen, I've sold my body so I could sleep indoors or have money for food & booze. I counted ribs & collarbones & hib bones rising to the surface of my skin as even my muscles were stripped away, strange structures & shapes rising to the surface beneath my fingers. The landscape of the starving body is amazing in its stark simplicity. I struggled very hard in the first 20 years of my life.
When Rob came into my life I latched onto him as though he were a savior. I moved myself in on him & he fed me & I nursed him through a bout of pneumonia... we explored many dark places within one another in those first weeks.
The cold hard heartless truth about Rob is this - he gives me what I need. He feeds me, he makes sure I'm fed and kept docile, kept low, kept down, a dangerous well-fed animal on a short chain. I care for him, I support him in his endeavours, I do no complain or give voice to my wants or needs, a simply am here for Rob. I need Rob in mine to hold me down, Rob needs me in his life to lift him up. We may not be healthy for one another, and one of us will certainly kill the other, make a final end to the other, but until then, there is the opium intoxication of the dance between us. When we come together, we're like scrowling beasts, biting & growling & scratching. We want to eat each others innards, our gizzards. We want to crawl inside to the dark, hard places inside one another & pull them to shreds.

Don't try this at home, folks - I took an Ambien & an Elavil & I am pretty high. We are stoned, immaculate... The effects of the Ambien make it hard for me to articulate things verbally. The very words on my comuter screen are swirling about like those gel tubes filled w/glitter & shapes... or lava lamps. The words form little centipede chains & mill about, swirling, contracting, rippiling. Sometimes it doesn'tseem as tho I'm typing on the screen at all, but typing off the edge of the screen, somehow on the edge of the air or past the corners of the screen. My nipples are hardening, my clit is hardening & starting to throb, my cunt pulsates. Ripples of oooooaaaaa run up & down my back & shoulders. I find myself wanting to just run my nails down my face & throat to clasp my breasts so I can chew on my own nipples as my squirming pink slit pleads for attention.

I just totally went off on a tangent... Why am I with Rob? Becuase in a past life, Rob asked for someone like me, down to the unusual name... and the Universe conspired that someone like him - beat down, hurting, fearful of mankind, fearful of his family but somehow bound to obligations not his own through them, would need someone like me, free of parental or family obligations, strong, decisive, hard, tactless, angry & scared for the right reasons, in his life. I am here to heal my husband. It's only coming more clear to me as time goes by just how fucked up that handfasting was. As long as the love shall last, in the lifetime, and the next. And the next. And the next, on into infinity.

And in order to surrender myself solely to his keep, I require, in the way of most seal-wives and bear-maidens, compensation. There are gesas in our marriage. I will do for him as long as there is money coming in to the house, be it provided by me or him, there must be money. He has to answer to my every request, be it convenient or not... I must have books, electricity, lightbulbs, tequila, Coronas, half-n-half for my coffee, a constant source of hot water. I must have mental & emotional freedom even if I have no physical freedom. I must have access to the ocean and all that it entails.

And so I give up one more thing. I admit, freely and of my own will, that money is my prime motivation. I will put myself through hell & back for money. I don't want to be homeless again. I don't want to have to eat at parent's friends homes, or from dumpsters or soup halls... I don't want to go dumpster diving for food or furnishings... I don't want to live in a nice house w/no bills paid. I want to be comfortably well-off. And once I've achieved a level of comfort for myself, I can help others achieve comfort.

May 16, 2005
10 Steps To Better Decision Making
Considering The Possibilities

1. Making a difficult choice can seem harrowing when you feel you're working alone. Involve others in your decision making by asking for criticism and seeking advice from those who can approach the choice from a fresh perspective. Listen to opinions that fall on both sides of the topic at hand. You may also want to consult an expert.

2. Learn from your mistakes as well as your triumphs. Examine decisions you have made in the past as they will teach you more than you will learn from most other sources. Though some decisions will not seem important, all decisions shape our lives and should be regarded as educational. Apply that knowledge to your current dilemma.

3. A good decision acted upon in a timely matter is always better than a great one acted upon too late. It is important to recognize that you will never know enough to make the perfect decision. Don't become paralyzed by your need to foresee all possible outcomes to every possible choice.

4. Involve your head and your heart. Ask both practical questions and personal questions about the problem at hand. Considering the facts as well as your feelings (and the feelings of others) when examining your options will ensure that you make a balanced decision.

5. Before anything else, focus on the most basic, necessary results. Often, a decision maker will get bogged down thinking about the non-essential elements of a decision. Avoid considering extraneous factors and far-fetched perfect outcomes. Ask yourself, "What needs to be done?"

6. Consider the entire range of possibilities, no matter how unlikely. When faced with a complex decision, brainstorm by yourself or with others to find as many of the vital elements as possible. Evaluate those elements as they relate to the choice you must make.

7. It was a wise person who noted that, "you can't please all of the people all of the time." Almost all decisions will involve some dissatisfaction or conflict. Some decisions may even create new problems. Once you have made a decision, stand by it. Keep in mind that you have used your best judgment and it was the best choice at the time.

8. Don't waste time on poor choices. Reject poor choices, even if you've begun to implement them, and stop doing the things that aren't working, so you can focus on the solutions that have strong potential.

9. Consult with the people who will be directly affected by your decision. People appreciate being heard and enjoy when their opinions are seen as valuable. Even making a simple choice can have a profound impact on those around you.

10. It is easy to dismiss your intuition, but in doing so, you may be disregarding valuable insight and even solutions. Ask yourself what choices you would make if you weren't afraid and then see what your subconscious offers as an answer. Try to ignore the fear of error when consulting your "gut."

I have to go to the dentist in about an hour. duh-duh-duh-duh----it's valium time...

Daily Om
March 30, 2005
Being Truly Free
Letting Go

There is tremendous freedom in letting go. It is liberation to free ourselves of things that clutter our lives; too many possessions, useless emotions, unhealthy habits, old beliefs, even people that drain our energy. All of these things and more can weigh us down. Every once in awhile it's good to "clean out our closets" literally and figuratively.

Like pruning dead branches or like a snake shedding an old skin, we need to let go of the what no longer serves or what no longer fits, so that there is room for something new, alive, and what is needed at this time in our lives. Yet, we are a possessive society. We often hold on to things, feelings, and relationships out of habit or, many times, out of fear of being without. For so much of learning to let go is about learning to trust. We have to be able to trust that, indeed, new branches will grow, that there is a new skin under the old one. And yet, to the degree that we are willing to let go, we are able to receive. When we stop holding on and clinging to anything, we realize we have everything.

For in reality, we really own nothing. Certainly, we don't own people. Our spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, children are not really "ours." Even if we own the title to our house or car, such possessions can be gone in a moment, taken by a natural disaster, an accident, or financial circumstances. Native Americans could not grasp the European concept of "owning" land, anymore than one can own the sky. For everything belongs to the universe, as even we do. When we allow ourselves to rethink our sense of "ownership," it is easier to let go. We no longer need to feel burdened by the responsibility of having to hold on to something. Rethink the value of a prized book collection, a coveted job, and feelings for an old flame. Perhaps it isn't necessary to physically get rid of something, but letting go of the power that a person, ideology, or material object possesses is truly freeing.

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I woke up about an hour ago, congested & headachey. Normally, this would not be weird for me, but I took my sleeping pill at 4am. What the fuck!?

The Daily Om
January 27, 2005
Calling In The One
Healthy Selfishness

Some of us give because we can't not give. It's our way of getting by in the world. At least if I give, the thinking goes, others will like me. Better yet, they may even come to need me. Then I won't be so alone in the world. Giving becomes a kind of barter to belong-a bid for love, rather than an expression of it. This kind of giving does not allow for selfishness of any kind, and yet it is excessively selfish. Anyone who has ever been in relationship with someone who has played the martyr role knows how selfish giving can be.

Buddhism encourages us to discover selfishness, while Christianity admonishes us to "die to self". Yet, not until we've developed a fundamental self of self is it appropriate to surrender in this way. Not until we've experienced how delicious and enjoyable healthy selfishness can be, do we actually have something to present as an offering. Years ago, at one of her lectures here in Los Angeles, I remember Marianne Williamson saying, "You have to actually have an ego before you can give it up."

"Healthy selfishness" means you know your limits, and you set them. It means you prioritize self-care over caring for others. It insists that you communicate your feelings, even when your feelings are inconvenient to others. It includes the ability to rest when tired, and to ask for what you want and need, when you want and need it. It is the healthy expression of entitlement.

When we are authentic with ourselves by setting our limits, honoring our feelings, prioritizing our own well-being, and clearly defining our wants and needs, we identify the path we are on, making it much easier for the blessings of life to come to us. Because, as Henry Kissinger once said, 'If you don't know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere.'

... I'm currently perusing 'People of the Owl' by the Gears... It's interesting. A boy was put into the place of clan leader by those who wanted to use him. Power wants the boy as well. He's looked upon as a joke by most around him, but the common theme of the book is 'Don't underestimate this kid. He's got Power'. Of course, only those who set out to destroy him (2 of his 3 wives) are the ones who don't underestimate him... but anyway, the point of this whole rambling thing is that Power walks in strange places. For Salamander, all those who would stand in the way of Power are set aside - his uncle, 'Speaker' before him, passes away. His elder brother, next in line to become 'Speaker' gets struck by lightning. His mother, the Clan Elder, stricken by the grief of two deaths, loses her mind. Leaving Salamander to lead his clan into greatness or despair. Of course, noticing how conveniently Power has secured Salamander's position as ill-fitted tribal leader, the people who strove to put him into that position in the first place are realizing that he could be a dangerous adversary, & are now getting ready to brand him a witch.

So this little book, badly written w/stiff characters, has taught me something about my own Power. No matter how badly my life goes sometimes, I do get my own way. I may have to bide my time, but things do come around for me. And people do take notice, but lacking conviction in things like my mad Voodoo skillz, they seem to think I'm just cut-throat and ambitious. Which, for a woman, can be almost as bad as for an ancient indigenous tribesperson to be branded a witch. Lucky for me, I'm not the average woman - but I probably wouldn't have survived the torture that's in store for Salamander, either.

My 2nd not-so-new-band-but-new-to-me: Deep Forest. To put it mildly, they seem like a bad knock-off of Enigma... A lot of synthesized environmental noise. I have a new 'Delta Sleep System' CD. I hope it helps.

Rob & I fully christened the AbLounger2 this morning. It's pretty cool - if he's sitting in the chair, I can go reverse cowgirl on him & lean really far back & grab the handlebars w/out immediately losing my balance & falling on him. Of course, he had to try & swing back & forth in the thing & almost knock me down anway, but once we got the rhythm of things back, it was a good ride.