Namaste, Bitches

So Harley popped into my cube space to tell me Korn was on Unplugged... I don't know how old it is, and I watch so little t.v. that most stuff I see on it is new to me.

I bopped into the break room to take a listen. They had Tibetan bells, zithers, dulcimers, cow bells, all kinds of folk instruments. It was kind of cool. I'm not the world's biggest Korn fan - I honestly can't tell half of what they do from Marilyn Manson (and vice versa), but I like them enough to sit & listen to them. After Harley left, I was browsing through a magazine & grooving along when I... heard... this... voice. It was a familiar voice, unsullied by the years between the last time I heard it live. It was a familiar song, too, definitely not a Korn song. So I looked up at the television & thought to myself, "Wow, the lead singer of Korn can really imitate Robert..." & then he stepped back out of camera shot to reveal - Robert Smith! I dropped the magazine & began kowtowing the television, "I am not worthy! I am not worthy!". They were doing 'In Between Days'. His voice is unchanged, but the years haven't been kind to our Goth starter kit. He doesn't need pancake makeup, blush or kohl - he's pale, blotchy & has big dark circles under his eyes naturally. Still has the Edward Scissorshands hair cut though, & the smeared lipstick. Gods, I miss those days, & I feel so very old.

I think the lead singer of Korn is cute in a weird fuzzy way, like I want to grab his cheeks & pat his head & say things in a baby-goo-goo voice like, "Oh, he's so cwute! I just want to eat hims up!" Especially in the kilt & w/his grill in the Coming Undone video. I don't know how he'd react to knowing someone feels that way about him. Would he be disheartened, or would he think that I was disturbing & somewhat frightening?

Someone got shot on Reno St. this morning - it's the street between the Ex & the Luxor. The ghetto I live in is getting larger by the day. I am so sick of this town & sick of my job right now. A part of me wants to break down & bawl, or crawl into bed & never get back out, but it's pretty much futile. Gotta go to work, gotta get up & face each new day, no matter how tired I am of it all. I just want to quit.

What are your signs that burn-out has already begun? Below are some common signs that many people experience:

Burn-Out with Work:

Excessive Fatigue or not sleeping well

Loss of your typical energy and motivation

Boredom with work duties

Headaches, body-aches, stomach-aches, etc.

Wanting consistently to be somewhere other than work

Having projects or work duties suffer.


Burn-Out with Family, Relationships, Kids and Others:

Giving a lot and not receiving much in return

Little desire to spend time with the people involved

More anger and irritability than usual on your part

More fighting than usual

Negative attitude

Irritability with issues you know are really small ones

Being convinced that others are always trying to manipulate you

Disinterest in the other's lives or projects

Resentment

Lack of usual interaction

Physical symptoms listed above.

Well, after 2 years of overheating & no a/c and various other problems, we finally got a new old car. I think it's actually the newest used car we've ever had - only 6 yrs. old. It's a 2000 Ford Explorer Sport. 6 cyl. engine, 4wd. And it's purple. $2700 and the dirty blue Olds for trade-in. Woohoo. Yet another big useless thing brought to us by the in-laws, much like the big-screen t.v. But I stayed out of it completely - I don't drive anyway, why should I care other than the gas cost? All it needs is new tires, so what the Hel, right?

I have been very busy these past coupla days, I woke up at 11am because I've been living the dayshift all week, and I'm exhausted & headachey. I most defintely do not want to go to work tonight but I have to. I hate my job so much, and all I've gotten is rejection notices from other places, or the places that would hire me pay too little. I'm fucking stuck, and I hate myself more every day for continuing to go in to work. I'm terrified that if I actually do stick out the degree thing that at the end of it I still won't be able to get new work. And I do mean terrified. It's getting pretty bad, to where I'm contemplating blowing my head off rather than go to work.

When it gets closer to payday, I'm going to start calling around to some different doctors & see if all that I'm experiencing as far as being tired & in pain all the time is all in my head or if there's something else going on... and then I'm going to go back to a shrink again and try to keep them focused on giving me new coping mechanisms for dealing with being in a dead-end job that I can't stand.

Quiet here. Rob's napping, I'm burning music, making $$$... that sort of thing. Stuffed envelopes all day. I'm so sick of those envelopes already & my ass hurts. Rob's talked himself into some kind of cold, mainly because he's working again & I won't feel sorry for him because he has to work, so he feels I need to feel sorry for him for something. Unfortunately, he doesn't realize that I have no sympathy for anyone, including myself. We get ourselves into things, we have to get ourselves out of things, & feeling sorry for people because they got themselves into something is about as useless an emotion as guilt.

This morning I got upbraided for leaving the gun under my bed. It's my gun, it's my bed. And last night, the Spirits were walking. All night I heard footsteps crunching in gravel, things scraping the outside walls, the gate softly clinking & chiming open & closed. Shadows flickered on my blinds. Voices echoed in the walkway outside. Even my candle-bellied coyote lamp couldn't keep my nerves at bay, so I turned to cold hard steel for solace. As it was, I kept waking up every couple of hours, sweating, heart pounding.

It's my own fault, tho - I cleaned my altar, mopped the floors. I gave Ariadne Her pomegranate, I gave Ellegua candy & rum... I had notions of burning sweetgrass & putting on the Nomad CD before I went to sleep, but thought to myself, "Um, yeah, sleep would be nice & the house is already restless." Nessie's been up & moving for a week now. The Veil is sundered, almost fully split to reveal the Abyss between this world & the next. I can feel the heartbeat of the World in the darkness.

I just wish I had the energy to stand up against the tides this year. Instead of cleansing & invigorating me, I feel like what little strength I have is being sapped away, into the Void. Everything I do takes so much will & effort. Sometimes just getting myself out of bed in the morning (or the evening) I feel like Atlas shifting the weight of the Earth on his shoulders. I feel defeated & listless, but at the same time stretched tighter than the Veil itself, ready at any moment to give way & unleash a flood of the Unknown & Unknowable... Power walks.