perzephone: (Default)
We went to Tania's tree-trimming party Saturday night. She put on a nice spread with ham & shrimp, macaroni salad, Swedish meatballs, a cheese & spread tray, apple cobbler & fruit cocktail. She took a lot of time and effort to make a nice get-together for her family. We all had little gift bags full of ornaments to hang on the tree & it was just cozy & nice.

It would have been a fantastic evening, honestly, if it weren't for the fact that Rob's family is kind of like one of V. C. Andrews' families. This is where a monarchy can go seriously awry.

I can't really explain Rob's mom. I see her from a one-sided perspective, and it's not positive in the least bit. I honestly believe that she's got something wrong with her, her brain is broken. Maybe she's got narcisstic personality disorder or something. She's a control freak, she's vindictive and manipulative, she's mean and she refuses to accept that she may be wrong at times. Tania, her daughter, is 8 years older than Rob, so she was able to at least get out of the house a little bit sooner than Rob. Their mother apparently had a psychotic episode when Tania got knocked up before she was married. Tania didn't care about the father but was forced into marrying him rather than just be thrown out of the house, pregnant & with no money, by her mom. Not so psycho, my mother did it to my middle sister... but their mom never let Tania live it down. It's still a big sore spot, how much shame she brought on their family, how her father's relatives shunned them because Tania has an illegitimate child, how it made their family a laughing-stock, they had to move because of Tania's indiscretion, you name it. (My mother was pissed because Terry fucked a black man & refused to have anything to do w/Terry after that, but it was personal, between them. My mother never stopped Jody from spending time w/Terry, never denied her the rest of the family - Jody could take me to see Terry... My dad was cut off from his first half-grandson & grand-daughter because of it, and I think that's the only real fight they ever had - my mother even admitted to being a bitch about it but she refused to bend). So Tania ended up marrying the father of her baby, & Frank was abusive to her, was growing pot in their basement, never worked but spent a lot of Tania's money on the QVC channel & gambling w/his buddies, that kind of thing. When Tania got the balls to get a divorce, it became another disgrace upon their family because most of the relatives are Catholic.

Rob's dad mostly stayed out of the family affairs. He drove a 4-hour commute to work each day, left about 4am & came home around 7pm, ate dinner & went to bed. He was a weekend & holiday dad. Rob's family was also physically isolated - they lived out in the country where you had to drive an hour & a half to go grocery shopping. Rob's parents didn't have a social life... it was just Margaret at home with the dog & the two kids, & after Tania left, it was Margaret at home w/Rob. Margaret's always been a clean freak w/carpets you can't walk on & furniture you can't sit on (the mother in Drop Dead Fred reminded me a lot of Margaret - that white carpet no one was allowed to walk across, yeesh). Rob was always a small kid - he looked like McCaulay Culkin & Joey Lawrence smacked together (bright red lips, Joey Lawrence haircut) and he was hyper-sensitive (well, he still is sensitive). His mother had nothing better to do all day than mentally & emotionally torture this poor kid. Filled him w/all kinds of fears & paranoias & health scares, kept him in this antiseptic environment, completely cut off from other kids his own age & when he did finally get to go to school, he was bullied constantly & unmercifully. When Rob's dad was home, if 'the guys' wanted to go & do something but Margaret didn't, she would spend the entire time berating Tony (Rob's dad), teasing Rob for going along w/his dad & making everyone miserable. If they went to a restaurant she didn't like, the food would make her sick, which would make Rob sick, & Tony would have to take everyone home. If Rob sided w/his dad on anything, Margaret would literally plot revenge on her own kid, to the point of devising ways to hurt him physically without actually beating him, like loosening the screws on his bicycle seat. But, when Rob got into drugs & petty larceny, it was his dad who slammed him up against a wall & threatened his life.

Margaret constantly reminds Tania & Rob how she can't brag about her children to the rest of her family, of how they both are screw-ups and have disgraced the family name... How she can't believe they would be so stupid when she's gone her entire life without making a mistake, that kind of thing. She calls her own kids stupid. She also doesn't hold her tongue when it comes to other people. Because of the snakes, I stink. She won't stand next to me when we're out with them, she sniffles & holds her breath when she walks by me & has told me to my face that I reek. She doesn't care what we do w/the house anymore because the whole place stinks like me & my snakes. I'm like, whatever, lady.

Margaret is also a racist, and I know I've complained about that before. James, Tania's husband, is black. I tried to warn him before he & Tania got married, but apparently he did not believe me. She stood in our living room one time & complained bitterly about James for about 4 hours because black men want nothing more than to steal blonde-haired white women & use them and turn them against their families because black men want revenge on the white race - and with Tania being blonde, this was all James wanted. James is a huge dude, but he's also sweet and kind of naive. He was adopted, and his adoptive family is huge and welcomes everyone with open arms - no one is a stranger & it doesn't matter if you're black, white, Middle Eastern, Mexican, Communist Chinese, etc. He played the keyboards for his church back in whichever Carolina they came from (wherever Wilmington is), and he just has this easy-going & open nature. I wanted badly to ask him if he'd ever encountered racism back East, because he seems kind of stymied when he's around Margaret. Saturday night, he sat in the living room alone to eat while we all milled around in the kitchen. He kept pulling Tania aside to complain about how her mother treated him like he was invisible. Margaret's also making him pay rent, but not Tania, & she's made it clear that he is the one paying, not them as a couple. He's uncomfortable because he & Tania have been together almost 10 years, but Margaret considers him to be Tania's housekeeper or something, or like he's there for protection since Tania's a single woman living alone, kind of like a big dog. He also doesn't understand why all the secrecy and intrigue is necessary or why he should feel as if he's ashamed because he loves Tania & wants to be with her. Margaret does not know that James & Tania are married.

Rob's mom, for those of you who may not know, controls all of the family's finances. She had her elderly relatives all place their estates into her name & as each one died off, that money just fell into her hands. She's got one remaining brother who still lives in New York & she's slowly taking over all of his finances & property. Rob's dad was one of the founding members of New York City's Operating Engineers union and he's got a pretty decent pension. They've always owned their own homes and they (well, really, the mother-in-law owns) own the house Rob & I live in & the mother-in-law just bought a house for her daughter & a separate house for her grandson (which is actually supposed to be for the grandson & her last remaining brother - who is smart & is staying in New York). One of the first things Rob's mom always does when someone pisses her off is threaten to yank away all financial support. Now, since we all live in homes that she owns, that means losing the roofs over our heads. It's quite a pickle. Rob tried to explain that to James the other night, after the in-laws had left, but I can tell James isn't going to be content to just eat it & smile. I'm always, much like Margaret, thinking about the bottom line. I've done some less-than-savory things for money over the course of my lifetime, and I'll probably continue to do so because well, keeping the lights on is more important to me than being a free person living in a cardboard box.
perzephone: (Default)
We had a second brown recluse pop up this morning - it was sitting on the ceiling in the hallway. Our chosen means of disposal involves a piece of tape stuck to the end of an extension pole. I don't know why these spiders are called recluses since the three we've spotted have been out in the open. Of course, the hallway was dark & it was in a corner.

Rob, in all his infinite wisdom, decided to flush the piece of tape w/the dead spider on it down the toilet. He then came into my room where I was ironing & proceeded to brag about the wonders of modern plumbing. I said, "Yeah, it's all fine & dandy until that piece of strapping tape sticks to the side of the pipe & causes your toilet to overflow".

About 5 minutes later, I hear his toilet flush & he said, "Bloody hell". Yep, the piece of tape is lodged somewhere in the pipe and is not letting his toilet flush. He gets to spend the day w/his parents as a result. When he called his mom to ask for money (it's his money - she bought the truck for Tania & Alex), she of course, went off on him.

Am I a bad person for thinking the whole thing is fucking hilarious?
perzephone: (Default)
Last night I was making another attempt at opening the lines of communication between myself & the Great Beyond. I lay there in the dark with my eyes closed, watching patterns of dots and lines and chevrons in the photo-negative colors behind my eyelids.

The dots coalesced into a full-blown image of a woman in a wheelchair, sitting slumped at her desk, writing or drawing. I'm pretty sure she was drawing or sketching. It was almost someone I recognized, but when I mentally said, "Whoa! Who is that?" the dots began to reform into faces and animal masks. A couple of the faces are familiar & keep reappearing, but the masks vary. Sometimes its Salish masks, other times they're African and sometimes they're very primitive and rough, made of tanned hide and teeth and tusks and antlers.

I think I may have solved the problem of the attacking buzzards. I have a ceiling lamp in my room. The blades are big & made to look like bamboo (they're really just textured plastic, but it matches my current decor, so I dun care) & I've been waking up in the middle of the night looking up at it. With the shadows it casts from the Amityville window, it looks like a huge circling bird. No matter how many times I wake up in the night, it startles me every fucking time. I figured out this little puzzle a couple of nights ago & I haven't been attacked by buzzards in my sleep since.

Today we're going to the buffet for my father-in-law's birthday. Tania is bringing James along... Tania originally wanted to have a big full-blown birthday party at her new apartment, but of course the mother-in-law put the kibosh on that little idea. I'm kind of glad, because it would have set a precedent for every other birthday. Tania loves parties, she's very social and outgoing, which is okay but I feel bad because she's going to find out the hard way just how anti-social the rest of her family is, including myself.

I got a weird fortune cookie a few weeks ago - I just now found it in my pants pocket.
"German proverb: No trees ever reach the sky." On the back it tells me how to say 'lettuce' in Chinese. So I got a wrong German proverb on a faked Chinese tradition that was probably made in some Korean factory.
perzephone: (Default)
Went to the mall today after work & picked up a Deathnote keychain - it's got the shinigami Ryuk on it and a little red apple, because as we know, shinigami love apples. Ok, yes, now we all know the real reason why I never wanted kids - I want to play with the toys and I don't want to have to share. Anyway...

Me & Rob sat in the foodcourt discussing life, the universe and shinigami, I said something to the effect of, "Well, if your mom dies tomorrow of natural causes, you'll know it worked."

We were on the road after dinner when his mom called & whatever she was telling him had Rob laughing, which upset her - he mouthed, "I don't care what she says, it's fucking funny" at me after apologizing because whatever they were discussing was, "not funny ha-ha but so terrible you had to laugh". From bits & pieces of their conversation I deduced that they are planning to build a landfill quite near the m.i.l.'s house and she is absolutely livid about it. She was bitching to Rob that the city planners were trying to push all the good hard-working money-paying white people out of the neighborhoods and hoping all the black people would move in. Now, how a landfill is going to make property more attractive to black people is beyond me, but this is how my racist pig of a m.i.l. thinks. Then she started complaining about bacteria & medical waste and the garbage trucks - which of course are all driven by bacteria-laden black people. Listening to her rant and rave was entertaining, and it was made even more entertaining because she was on speaker-phone and was trying to censor herself - she knows I get pissed off when she starts spouting racist bullshit. She resorted to ranting in German.

So the shinigami gave me the next-best-thing to death - the in-laws are thinking of moving to Colorado. That was a fast-acting little Death God, and he got an apple for his trouble :)

What's even funnier... a couple of weeks ago she called because Alex was wanting some Nazi propaganda records that he had left in his car. I didn't want that shit in my house, and I don't even know what happened to them - if they got hauled off w/the car or thrown out or what, but we don't have them anymore - I wouldn't even touch them & made Rob get rid of them. Anyway, last week she called to tell Rob that a bunch of his relatives were going to move to Idaho. I reminded him that Idaho is still the neo-Nazi capital of the U.S. (no matter how the Idaho government is trying to change that image) & most of his relatives don't sound or act like stereotypical Germans - they sound, look and act like stereotypical Jewish people. Then I told Rob, "So that's why she wanted those old Nazi records... it didn't have anything to do w/Alex at all..."

Happy Beltane, y'all. I had sex tonight, and it was good, and there was photography, but don't worry - it's all on Rob's phone so I can't share. Rob got me Sweeney Todd, too.
perzephone: (Default)
Grrr... went to a different Fantastic Sam's today & got my hair chopped off. I am now sporting the asymmetrical bob... aka the Posh-Bob. Aka the Pob. Oh well, I've had it before and I don't look too horrid with it, it's just a lot more work to keep it looking neat. After almost 3 years with long hair it feels weird to have the air touching the back of my neck.

Had lunch w/the in-laws - Tania came out for her kid's birthday, which was yesterday. The father-in-law can't even talk anymore, really. It's sad, he just sits at the table, his wife has to feed him & the conversation flows around him.

I'm tired and dizzy and light-headed. I figured out part of my problem is that I'm running in my sleep and battling small charlie horse cramps all night long. I don't think it's true 'restless leg syndrome' but I am definitely giving myself a work out at night. I think I'm going to start taking my vitamins in the mornings instead of right before bed & see if it makes a difference. For now, I'm going to sit and play WoW & see if I can get Zane some rep with the Keepers of Time.
perzephone: (Default)
Rob says I do not know how to play a warlock. That hurt my feelings, but it's true (I am very good at being a hunter, though - my first name is Aggro Management & my middle name is Crowd Control). My warlock is my enchanter/alchemist & I'm afraid she'll never see lvl 50. She's going to be stuck at lvl 40 & maxed out at 300 skill for the rest of her existence. I can't even delete & reroll her because I'll feel guilty about dumping so much gold into leveling up her enchanting. She has such a cool name, though. It's Kitsune. Do you know how hard it is to get the name Kitsune in an MMORPG? It's like trying to get Raven or Death. Rob has a Death character, but the a & e have accents over them. (I digress - I know I pissed some Alliance character off because for the longest time, 'Perzephone' was an Alliance character's name. When the BC expansion came out, I was just screwing around trying different names for a Draenai & bam! Perzephone was accepted. I finally got bored being an Alli & turned Perzephone into an Undead, like she should be). Anyway, it sucks, I can't play 'locks. I've read all the FAQ's & strategy blogs & I can't do it. It's weird, too, because 'locks are just hunters, but with more mana-management issues & soul shards. My DPS sucks. I've tried all 3 specs, too. I should be kicking ass & taking names at 40, but Kitsune just sucks. And I went & gave her the jingling bell for the reindeer pet over Winter's Veil, too. Maybe if I get another reindeer next year, I'll re-roll her as a mage or something. So I've been working on leveling Scaryspice. People like to buy stuff made by Scaryspice, I don't know why, but her leather armor & cloth bags just sell like hotcakes. I've even seen people wearing armor 'Made by Scaryspice'. I think she's the new FUBU or Benetton. Working on her has been really fun over the past coupla days because she is teh awesome.

(Hey, the Sci-Fi Network is going to be having Animondays... all anime all night. The advertisement says, "Just f-ing watch!". We're going to have to learn how to use the DVD recorder, lol.)

I started thinking... I can give compliments and I can hand out positive affirmations left & right, and I do tell people the truth when it comes to stuff like that. It's not shallow, schmoozing corporate-crap I dole out (I try not to say deliberately hurtful things for the sake of being hurtful. Sometimes some of my advice is hurtful, but I've been trying to tone it down a little. I've been trying to take Fox's advice in being more selective with my words). It's hard - being truthful is hard in a society where little white lies are the moral compass. The whole getting with the girls & having the self-deprecating 'fat talk'. Everyone knows I will tell them exactly what they look like to me if they ask me, but I've never seen things quite the way other people see them. Maybe it's my lack of depth perception or my near-sightedness... or even my touch of the Sight, being able to see auras, being able to see inside. Until you get close to me & I can see you clearly, everyone is beautful to me. Most people even stay beautiful close up & personal. One time me & Rob went to Pizza Hut & our waitress was beautiful & it showed in her graciousness that it wasn't just skin-deep. I wrote her a note on a napkin & told her she was beautiful. One of my past co-workers, Sybil, was absolutely gorgeous, jaw-droppingly gorgeous, and she was too nice to other people sometimes, & she had such poor self-esteem. I never let her go a night without telling her something nice. She was a nurse, too, & I could never picture that itty-bitty woman having to pick up someone & roll them over - which she did, but sometimes strength is as deceptive as outward appearances.

I believe in lifting others up. It's not hard at all, but it seems like I'm surrounded by people who constantly feel the need to push others down. Listening to Rob & his mom on the phone is pretty horrible. Rob can get so defensive when he's trying to argue a point - a debate with him is always seen as a personal attack & I've seen more & more where he gets it from. Rob's mom will get an idea in her head (she needs to stop believing everything she sees on t.v.) & she will call Rob up because she's bored & deliberately get him riled up. She won't let go of whatever subject she's chosen (tonight it was, of all things, why Jesus was killed by the Romans - his mom seems to be convinced Jesus was protesting Roman taxation & that he went before the Roman senate as a political leader of Galilee & they killed him for subversive ideas about communism or socialism or some off-the-wall -ism) & Rob has to agree wholeheartedly with her opinion. Tonight, Rob put his philosophical foot down & said, "until you provide reliable sources, I'm not agreeing with you!" (I have to admit, I goaded him on by providing insight into the Roman social policies of the time, like the fact that a Roman citizen, or anyone on the same level as Roman citizenry, would never be crucified - that was a particularly humiliating & degrading method of execution reserved for non-Roman slaves & outsiders considered beneath the notice of most Roman citizens). This pulled a half-hour long conversation into 2 agonizing hours (it was amusing from my seat in the Peanut Gallery, though, because at one point, Rob was comparing his teen-aged group of burglar friends to the apostles & Rob said "Hey, ma, I'm Jesus Christ!" & then the phone started making some weird beeping noises, so Rob got all paranoid, especially when I told him Janet Reno was coming for his ass & reminded him they both had said 'Timothy McVeigh', 'white supremacy', 'David Koresh' & 'terrorist' all over a cell phone). Rob & I get into this back & forth thing sometimes. He thinks when I say I have no talents that I am being short-sighted or down on myself. He gets this idea that by me saying that I'm essentially a waste of human life is a criticism of him - how could he want to be with someone who is, for the most part, useless? He gets defensive & angry & takes my self-deprecation personally. Makes absolutely no sense to me, except when I view it in the proper context of how he argues with his mom.

He thinks (as do some other people) that maybe my depression distorts things & that I have spent soooo much time & effort on focusing on negative things that I cannot recognize positive things. I don't see it as focusing on the negative or being pessimistic. I just see things realistically. Neither positive nor negative. It's all a matter of perspective and acceptance of truth. Trying not to put a personal bias on anything around me. He thinks I'm witty and talented and skillful, but what I see myself as is someone who is well-trained to be a night auditor & who has typed to the point where I can type 60wpm. He thinks I'm intelligent, but I see myself as someone who has read a lot. I can't retain math. I have bad taste in art & literature. I am only truly smart in a couple of subjects that are of no use in the practical world. I mean, Hel, I could get arrested & sent to jail for practicing medicine without a license if any of my herbal advice ever went horribly awry, no matter how many disclaimers I tell someone before making a suggestion.

I admit, I can't take a compliment and I don't implement or accept good advice, which is something I find fault with in others. It's why I gave up the Tarot cards. But today, I will take Lakshmi's & Maeve's advice & I will come up with something positive. Rob came up with one skill that I do have to agree with because it is the truth, and it is something positive in today's world, a marketable asset to have.

I can multi-task.
perzephone: (Default)
Sitting here watching That 70's Show. Foreman, Hyde, Kelso & Fez are all sitting in the circle, smoking pot & Kelso's talking about a Russian death ray that's pointed at the White House. Now, the other three are trying to explain to him that it's just a story in a comic book, but Kelso ends up calling the White House to 'warn' them of this supposed threat.

Well, they all end up completely paranoid & end up destroying a vacuum cleaner Foreman's mom had ordered. It was actually a very funny episode the first time I saw it. Today I told Rob that I kind of felt sorry for the people who had to answer phones back then for various government agencies. There were a lot of stoned people roaming around in the 60's & 70's. I mean, yeah, me & Eric spent many a drunken evening calling people in the phone book who happened to be named 'Bud Weiser' or 'Jack Daniels', asking them stupid drunken things like, "Hey, do you come in 5 litre bottles?" Imagine a whole bunch of stoned paranoid people calling government agencies over a decade - that's the real reason pot & LSD are illegal.

In other news, Rob's mom faceplanted in her backyard today - we were supposed to go out for Mother's Day tomorrow, but she's got a fat lip & a black eye now. I went to physical therapy and got a haircut. Trimmed my bangs, anyway.

Ahhhh...

Dec. 24th, 2006 08:24 am
perzephone: (jack skellington)
Let me reiterate again the pleasures of reading when it's something other than a history book. Finished Lisey's Story and am now working on the prequel to Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal Rising. Sometimes when reading about Hannibal Lecter, it's hard to believe he's not a real serial killer. Of course, most real serial killers are not so witty, charming and urbane. If I was male, I would probably be a serial killer. Or at the very least, a con. Probably not even an ex-con, but still a con. I'd be the one inside bars writing lonely-heart letters to women so they would put money on my books & send me amateur smut. 

Rob's mom is making the yearly Christmas salma (spelling questionable). It's basically meatballs made w/rice & cooked in sauerkraut. Good eatin', and relatively diet friendly. Despite my booze night of last week, I am still on my diet. It's easier on the nights when I'm working than the nights I'm at home, but I went out & bought a bunch of vegetables for me to use as snack food instead of all the carbohydrates that are always laying around. The hardest thing to avoid is soda... I've been out of bottled water for my iced tea machine, so... (I cannot stand anything w/artificial sweeteners in it). Snacking really isn't my problem though - my problem is making myself eat more than once or twice a day. Who wants to spend their entire day eating? The prep time alone is ridiculous. Fast food salads are freaking expensive, too - I got on of Jack-inna-Box's mandarin chicken salads. It was like, $8 & did not live up to its promise of Romaine lettuce & spring greens - nope, that was pure iceberg. Something about iceberg lettuce that's been sitting in a plastic container too long makes it smell like garbage. Same thing w/heated iceberg - I never get lettuce & tomatoes on my burgers because it just smells like trash. I had bought some celery, raisins, peanut butter, bananas... stuff I don't have to spend much time on. Got some ranch dip & prepared baby carrots. Been trying to eat more nuts & olives. It just seems like a high proportion of my time is spent thinking about what I'm eating & why.

Went to the ortho guy last week - he asked me if I knew I had a fracture in my left leg. I was like, "Just now?" It confused me until I realized it was from the car accident, but looking at the x-ray of the old break was gnarly. I don't remember ever seeing the break in the thin bone clearly. I could see how the thin bone had twisted & sheared through at an angle & the resulting lump of calcium that had formed around the break. Lower, the main bone in my shin just has a clean break in it with the calcium scar around it. It looks so lumpy. My bones are so thick - they look like a Neanderthal's; thick, heavy, slightly bowed and gnarled in places like oak limbs - even the ortho guy said he'd be surprised if I ended up w/osteoporosis (spelling also questionable). Some time after the holidays I'll be going for another MRI to see if the damage has progressed. The doctor said that there probably wasn't going to be any considerable changes from the last time I was there, but because my knees had given out on me from time to time, I may have basically given myself a muscle-to-brain complex. Like I've tricked myself into expecting my knees to give out, so they do. My right thigh joint has a chip in it that wasn't there before so it's causing my right knee to kind of catch.

Looking back on my year last night after hearing So This is Christmas - why, why, why? I've accomplished nothing except 9 credits. Raised my GPA by .02. Whoopee. Got a new snake tank that is still unfinished because I can't get down on my knees.
perzephone: (Default)
Hee hee - I'm at work right now. Someone left their computer logged on. We're listening to Howard Stern on satellite radio, too. I've just got to remember to clear the cache before we go home in the morning. The guy who played Star Trek's Sulu (George Takei) is on the Howard show pretty regularly now I guess. His manner of speech is so awkward & affected.

I'm soooo tired of this place. It's been a long, harrowing week. But later today I'm gonna go take my math final, and that, finally will be over. And then when I get up, I'm going to get drunk.

My diet isn't going so well. I haven't had any soda for a week or so, but last night it was Pizza Hut delivery. Rob was up literally all day. He went over to the folks' home to help them install a security door. Of course, Rob's mom is dissatisfied with it & she'll be making Anton take it down again by Friday or so. They don't understand that houses in Vegas are made of chicken wire, styrofoam & chicken wire - not 1/2" thick plywood & solid timber like they're used to in New York. Even though they've lived out here for 11 years.

He was over there til noon... and then Rob went Yule shopping. Now, I don't give Rob an allowance. I don't give him money to buy me presents. So basically, from the beginning of each year, he saves change. Whenever we pull money out of the bank, he keeps the change from buying gas, or picking food up, or wherever he can scrounge it from. He also keeps all the money his folk's give him for odd jobs, and anything he sells.

I've been telling him I don't want anything. I finally told him to get me a pony. He came home from all his chores & running around yesterday & crawled into bed with me. I was awake enough for him to tell me he went Yule/birthday/anniversary shopping (since all three fall within a month of one another). And then we proceeded to embark upon our usual yearly game of 20 Questions. I kept guessing 'Is it a pony?'. He kept saying no, but kept implying there was a limited warranty on one of the items, so I would need to open it soonest. I assumed it was because the pony was in a box & needed air. Anyway, he started getting frustrated with me, so I finally said, "An iPod, a digital camera and an electric guitar!" He got very quiet so I knew I had hit at least one out of three. Then he threw me off track by saying that he'd be surprised if I could use one of them as a dildo. So I guessed, 'An iPod, a pony & a Magic Bullet!" He replied that he'd like to get me a pony to use as a dildo, but I didn't have time to explore that avenue.

Anyway, my diligent, hard-scrounging husband went out yesterday & got me an MP3 player, a digital camera... and a Magic Bullet set. I feel like a total schmuck because I got him a video game, a miniature garden/terrarium thing w/carnivorous plants in it... and I thought we were going out to dinner for our anniversary. He does have a pretty impressive collection of swords circled in a BudK catalog... but I'm broke, hah! Ah well. The holidays never work out like you plan.
perzephone: (Default)
Which is infinitely better than a sposedta.

I cleaned up the display case so we can begin work on it at some future point in the future.

I don't think much about Rob's sister, Tania. She's a nurse, she's 42, she got married to a black man named James which pleased her racist parents oh-so-much. Being a chronic avoider of drama, I avoid Tania at every opportunity I get. I know she wants to get to know me better, and is probably hurt in some vague way that I want little to do with her, especially when she interrupts Samhain with a wedding. She reminds me of a non-vulgar Lisa Lampinelli. But right now, her husband may be dying.

James is a big dude. We're talking like... well, not 'Refrigerator' Perry big, not even 'big like my dad was' big, but he's sizeable. Bad knees, very bad. Worse than mine - makes my torn anterior crucis and miniscus seem like a scraped-up boo-boo. He opted for an experimental replacement surgery and has had nothing but complications since. What the thing is - his body is producing red blood cells, but then they are disappearing. Poof, gone. No hemocytes, no hemocrits, no nothings. Just white blood cells, T-cells, plasma, not a drop of red to be seen. No one seems to know why, or how, and they definitely don't know how to fix it other than transfusion upon transfusion.

Now, I know a little about medicine from my herbs... not much about blood disorders at all, other than dietary-deficiency or parasite-related anemias & high blood pressure. Using my usual method of online divination, which is where I basically typed in 'red blood cells destroyed following surgery'. I came up with 'hemolytic anemia'. (Apparently it's very common in dogs, especially schnauzers) I'm kind of using today to test my amazing diagnostic powers.

I don't fully understand all the symptoms, though, and this is all relayed through Rob's mom, so I have no idea - he may just have 'iron-poor blood' & she's blown it all out of proportion. She once kept calling Celiac disease Celery disease, and she's been known to pronounce the 'j' in 'fajita' (say it out loud & you'll understand why this borders on the obscene).

The diagnosis would make no sense whatsoever if he was on immunosuppressants for the implant... but then again it might if he was on anti-clotting agents.

All this aside - my thoughts are with Rob's sister and her husband right now. She's a strong woman, but a little extra never hurts. This is just the time of year a lot of people choose to go home...
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Why does the mil insist on giving me things that I do not want and can not use? I have told her, point blank, "Please do not give me anymore stuff, no more things, nothing. Period." You think after the Great Kitchen Table War of 1995 - 1997 that she would have gotten the point.

So first, for our anniversary came the bigscreen t.v. Granted, being the technowhore that I am, I am still a bit awed. However, since we've gotten WoW, do you know how much t.v. I've actually watched, including movies? Possibly a total of 24 hrs. worth since the end of September. Mostly FMA & Samurai Shamploo. And I think our old t.v., the monster that it is, actually has a better picture.

Rob's mom keeps trying to give me fancy China sets, place settings, tablecloths, etc. & so forth, and I keep telling her, "We do not entertain. Period. No more dishes or table settings, please."

The other day she gave me a silver set. Silver plate, about 50 years old, to be exact. It also has Rob's baby spoons in it. Why? Why me?
1) I will never use this, not in a million years. It's silver plate, which means it is a bitch to clean.
2) We don't entertain. Do you know who has seen this house since we got it? Rob's folks, Rob's sister & now-husband, Jody, and I think Lisa, Aurren & was it Anya? Yeah, had to have been. At any rate, I didn't feed any of those people. Rob's parents bring their own bottles of water - they won't drink out of any of my glasses. The snakes, you know, spew toxins into the air on such a regular basis that it's a wonder they even walk into the house.

She always gives us these things with the stipulation: "You cannot sell this or give it away, you have to keep it." It pisses me off because I know at least 10 people right off the top of my head who would absolutely love a 50-year old silver plate set (less Rob's baby spoons). Not to mention all those e-Bayers out there. If you're going to give someone something, let go of the damned thing first.

Plus, I get this nasty feeling anytime she tries to foist some other bit of family heirloomage off on me, that unsaid, "I was going to give this to Tania, but she's seeing that black person, so here, you can have it." It can leave any kind of gift with a bad taste in the mouth.

Ah well. I'm sort of, with my back turned, listening/watching something on the history channel about some Roman named Archimedes. He invented a working odometer. The Greeks & Romans amaze me - the were such logical, practical, scientific people, but they were still able to worship their deities without conflict between the spiritual and the everyday. Why can't modern people do the same? And they never burned, hanged or stoned anyone for being a witch or heretic - they usually lauded inventors who created practical & useful things.
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Well, we started to watch 'The Brothers Grimm' & Rob's mom called. We were in the middle of dinner. He's on the phone w/her now, arguing about his nephew's dad & his sister. Sooo, while he's been arguing, I've been straightening up my room, creating a safe, sacred space.

Contrary to what anyone may believe about me, or what I may have led others to believe about me, I don't have much experience with true hallucinogens. I understand that what one takes into the 'trip' is often connected to what their surroundings are like, so I picked up all my laundry, put away some of the clutter that's been just sitting there next to my bed. Moved the phones away from the bed so the only piece of electronics that is nearby is my CD/clock thingy. I blew the ash & dead matches & joss sticks & dust off the center of my altar & lit some Nag Champa in there. I picked up the softener sheets from the floor & tossed them, put the hot water bottle in the bathroom, I'm going to have to find somewhere else to put the electric fan. I just get the feeling that I don't want anything alien-looking or too mechanical nearby. I'm worried about the iron & ironing board - I may move it into the den for the night. I am afraid of anything that may appear monstrous. So I've turned my room into a mental sanctuary, ready for my journey.

So then as I was standing there, anointing a white candle w/dragon's blood oil, it struck me again that tonight is Solstice night. So as I was anointing the candle, I was chanting in my head, "Dies natalis Solis invictus! Sun God, Sun God, Ra, Ra, Ra!" It was as if I could hear a Roman legion beating their shields & shouting it with me.

Earlier on WoW, on Barrens chat (of course, couldn't say it in UC) I blurted out "I have this deep need to wish everyone a Merry Solstice!" I got so many responses, a lot of them ending w/things like, "Hey, I'm not the only one!" & "There are more of us!" Wow has some amazing imagery in their elfin lands - these stags just north of the Barrens, in Ashenvale - holy moly! Rob's character has a totem that attracts enemy creature's attention - I was almost sick because one of those stags attacked us & was rapidly killing us, so we had to fight back. The stags, even high level ones, don't normally attack. There's a druid sanctuary, and just outside it was 'The Shrine of Remulos'. By the Gods, it is breathtaking in its own CGI way. I wish I could find a decent screenshot of it - it's a tree in the form of a woman, and in front of her is a half-man, half-stag.
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Gah, why did I have to pick the one Eng 101 class that was all composition? It's horrible. I have a 'descriptive narrative' essay due on Sunday, and I'm just not doing well. I can't write anymore. I'm thinking I was never a good writer to begin with, but I could at least think up things to write about. I have to muddle my way through this class somehow, some way, but there's nothing there. I'm a blank page w/no pencil.

Rob bought a new used computer today. It's very annoying because these spyware pop-ups keep appearing saying the registry is corrupted, but if you buy this program & download it, it'll fix it right up. Hopefully he'll be able to play WoW once I get all the downloads & updates installed. We're going to go & get him some virus protection of some kind tomorrow - we should have picked it up while we were at Wal-Mart earlier, but I wasn't thinking.

Tomorrow we go w/the in-laws to the Goulash Pot for birthday lunch, woo. The mil is another year older. That woman is never going to die. I ought to give her my 'Always a Pallbearer, Never a Corpse' t-shirt.
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Jody called me last night to whine on my shoulder, Tania & James' wedding is today... and I feel crappy & am waiting patiently for my doc to open so I can set an appointment to get my b.p. refills... And my English class starts today. So much for a good start to the New Year.

My resolution: Even more listening & less talking.
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There are problems that arise when one is involved w/slightly (or more than slightly) telepathic people... Rob's mom called this morning to ask him point blank if Tania was here to get married. And he point-blank had to lie like a dog. He's started smoking again. I think I would, too. Hel's bells, if I had been the one on the phone w/her this morning, I would have had to go wake his ass up & been like, "Rob, I need some heroin."

Scary...

Oct. 28th, 2005 06:29 pm
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Last night we ended up having dinner w/Tania & James at the Imperial Palace after running them around... and the m.i.l. called twice to 'see what we were up to'. So today, Tania & the m.i.l. went to lunch @ the Hungarian restaurant... and this afternoon, Rob's mom called & asked us, again, what we did yesterday. As if she were checking the facts w/what Tania may have told her over lunch. Sometimes I think to myself, even with all our alcoholism & mental illnesses & bad relationships, even w/all the racism of my Tennessee relatives & the teen pregnancies & the child abuse - in a way, Rob's family is far more fucked up than mine ever was. I mean, our problems were right out there for everyone to see, and they were so very white trash & so very cliche'. Everyone knew someone who came from a family like mine, and now it's all 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour' material. Yeah, being a member of it as a child was pretty fucked up, but at least I can say I've mostly recovered from it. The wounds were numerous, but for the most part, superficial. And I can laugh about a lot of it.

Rob's family is more like one of the families out of V.C. Andrews books, minus the incest. The powerful and catty and petty matriarchs who sit in the center of the web & constantly pull & check the strands for movement so they can pounce on unsuspecting relatives & wind them into cocoons... Sheesh.

I was gonna write something else... Oh, yeah. Heh, how could I forget? Rob bought me World of Warcraft (ruh!!!) for Samhain. This game promises to be intense, it's an MMORPG, the first one Blizzard is charging a monthly fee to play. At any rate, the initial update is 252MB... we bought this game on Wednesday night, and so far it's only downloaded about 50MB. Yikes! I probably won't even get to play it til the day after Samhain. That's the one thing that totally blows about dial-up.

Alcoholism

Oct. 27th, 2005 06:52 pm
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I have remarkable self-control when it comes down to it, but booze will always have this pervasive effect on my life. In other words, one shot of tequila should not make me feel this good.

We ran Tania & James around today - wedding license bureau, Flamingo, Imperial Palace... my feet are freaking killing me. I was getting some serious anxiety, but as Rob & I left the Flamingo to return home, I stopped at a bar & bought a shot. Just one. I wanted a shot & a bottle of Corona w/a slice of lime, but Rob's butt can't wait that long after eating... anyway, after I drank my shot & that warm agave hit my belly, I felt just good. It was as though my mental systems said, "Ah! This is what I've been needing all this time!" Bad mojo, feeling that relieved & relaxed after one shot of alcohol.

Good news

Oct. 26th, 2005 07:10 am
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My pussy seems to be just fine - I think whatever lube the doc used just caused some alarming visual effects... I know, anyone reading this is thinking to themselves, "I've wandered into the land of TMI...". Oh well, it's my journal so I can try & take some memories to the next life, fuck you if you can't take hearing about my vaginal angst. On a related note, the dipstick only gave me a 4-month prescription for my birth control pills. Normally I get a year's worth at one time. Dumbass. It means I'm going to have to call his office in 3 months to get a refill, and they'll probably want to milk me for another $15 & make me come in for an o.v. He was trying to talk me into going for another gauntlet of endometriosis tests. I've been there, done that & finally finished paying those bills off earlier this year. If I do have endo along w/everything else that's chronically wrong w/me, o fucking well, just keep the b/c pills coming & I'll be fine.

Going to IHOP w/the in-laws, Tania & possibly James this morning. Joy.
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I don't know if I've actually written about this event or not. When Tania (Rob's sister) mentioned it to us last year... well, it went over like the proverbial lead zeppelin.

Tania is marrying James, which in itself is not a bad thing. James is black. Yes, Rob & Tania's parents are racist, (and strangely enough, that's not the most irritating thing about them) and don't know Tania & James are tying the knot. James & Tania are happy together, they've been together for years, and they are both grown-ups. So, let 'em get married.

No, the problem w/the whole marrying thing is the wedding and me trying desperately to NOT have to be involved in it. I have been working inordinately hard this past year to make sure that I would be at work both the Sunday night before Hallowe'en & Hallowe'en itself, which for me is bordering... no, for me, it is blasphemy. And if my deities choose to smite me for working on the holiest day of the year, I most certainly deserve it, especially because I am not working out of necessity, but out of selfishness.

This is the real reason I do not want to go to Tania & James' wedding, the secret-heart reason: when I mentally compare myself to the descriptions I've gotten of Tania's friends, I feel very bad about my loser self. I don't want to be Tania's fat, ugly, loser, dead-end-job sister-in-law. Instead, I'd rather be the selfish-bitch-couldn't-even-make-an-appearance-at-the-reception-sister-in-law & be talked about behind my back instead of having these people talk behind my back about who I really am. For fuck's sake, Tania's best friend does the nails for Madonna & Prince. She's bringing out all her best art-world, high-finance, ultra-talented, super-chic friends from New York & then there's James' family - ultra-southern-Baptist North Carolinians... and there would be me & Rob ushering these people around & taking their coats & making sure they were seated where they were supposed to be & generally being treated like 'esteemed host & hostess' & acting like Fetch & Steppit while all these society & family folk had a good time & then went back home to either laugh at us or feel sorry for us or both. Tania's got Rob doing the chaffeur bit for James' bachelor party on Saturday night, he's got to be Alex's baby-sitter & keep tabs on him all day & night Sunday to ensure the kid makes it to his mom's wedding on Monday... and lucky me - I work Saturday night, Sunday night & Monday night. "So sorry, I won't be able to make it to your noon wedding & your 10-hour-long reception that will end up going from one end of the Strip to the other, on foot, wearing a funny hat & trying to keep all your friends & relatives in a relatively compact herd while giving out orange flowers to people."

So that's it. I have held myself up to the candle of New York socialites & found my huevos lacking.

This is my lame-ass 'sounds like a lame-ass excuse' excuse: I have to work. Period. No, I cannot call in because I am the sole support for Rob & myself, and thanks to being late to work this past Saturday, if I am late or call in again one more time in the next 90 days, I will be suspended (which no one has to know that my last late/absence infraction fell off on Oct. 21 - I was late on the 23rd, which was technically the 24th for me as I am on Shift #1). Not to mention, every time I call in, thanks to my pay rate, I lose $150 dollars. And I don't have the luxury of having the kind of job where I can just stroll in any time I want & work my 10 hours - I have a time schedule. Certain things have to be done at certain times. Period. And due to circumstances beyond my control, I haven't been able to train a relief person in months so I can even have an extra off, & they are fucking around w/letting me train someone else w/both my & Alea's vacations in about 6 weeks. And I have to sleep sometime, so there's not going to be any of that getting off work Monday morning, trying to catch a 2-hr nap, going to the wedding & parading around all day w/these people & then going in to work at 9pm that night. Nothing is going to make me voluntarily stay up some 40 hours - I do it enough due to insomnia to know exactly how much fun it is.

So yes, I am a selfish bitch, because quite a bit of my lame-ass excuse is the truth.

Everyone at work was awe-stricken to know that I would rather work Hallowe'en than go to Tania's wedding, but they have formulated two opinions on that based on information I've given them. They think that either 1) I am secretly actually a racist, selfish bitch or 2) Rob's mom & dad are actually that bad & I am avoiding a potentially nasty domestic scene.

So this morning I stuck a turkey in the oven after helping it give birth to its own neck, which was wedged inside it so tight I couldn't even get a spoon or anything between the neck & the inner wall of the turkey. There was no give there at all. It's sort of a coppery color outside right now, and it's thundering, but there's no rain here.

Yesterday I went to yet another new gyno - this guy's office was waaaaaaay down Lake Mead in N.L.V. I didn't have to wait as long as most other gyno's I've been to - the benefit of a late afternoon appointment, I guess. But I think this guy either used Metrogel as a lube, or, even worse, he gave me another bacterial infection. I'm in that wait-&-see mode. If he managed to kick off another bacterial problem, I may just sue for emotional distress. I hate it when my pussy's broken.
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The in-laws are getting us a big-screen t.v. for our 10th wedding anniversary (which really isn't til next January, but oh well).

I don't really know how to respond to this considering how much my mother-in-law bitches & moans about money & the lack thereof. When I bitch & moan about money, it's because we're broke. Honestly broke.

Why buy us a television when the actual cash would be more useful? Why buy us anything when they need the money? What the fuck? We have a t.v. Actually, counting Rob's tv/vcr combo & his 6-month old portable DVD player, and some little mini tv, we've got 4 t.v.'s.

So instead of giving us useful $$$ or nothing at all & saving useful $$$, we're getting a big-ass t.v. which we won't be allowed to sell.

Granted, I am a techno-whore and the thought of a bigger t.v. is marginally appealing, not that I ever really get to watch t.v. that I want to watch, so the gift is really more for Rob, the couch potate & remote control control-freak. But oh well, we're not going anywhere for a couple of years. We can sell our current television & make some space. Where to put the snakes? Hmmmm... Playing 'Worms' might be interesting.

We rented The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy last night. We should have waited, but I've been wanting to see it for awhile now & never got around to seeing it in the theater. It was sort of a mish-mash of all 5 books of the trilogy (if you haven't read them, you won't understand why there are 5 books in the trilogy & don't bug me if you don't get it) plus some extra plot thrown in for less abstract-minded viewers. It was overall a pretty cool movie & they kept a lot of the dialogue intact.

So it's going to be delivered sometime Saturday. I got to clean this place up a little & make room, all while doing homework & studying & reading... Ye Gods!

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