perzephone: (Tree of Life)
I think it's time I and the High Priestess parted ways.

The High Priestess has a tendency to work at a subconscious level, I'd even say at what's more like a sub-subconscious level. She does work through dreams and the collective unconscious archetypal symbols, but during pathworking, the changes she tends to make are in areas of which collective and personal subconsciousnesses aren't even aware.

She pushes things to the surface, the things we don't admit to ourselves, the things we bury fathoms into ourselves. Things that have been driven into the barren anaerobic muck of pain and anger. It's not all about suffering, though - brilliance can be found hidden here, too - creativity, true love, acceptance... but it's so deep. There aren't even any giant isopods down there, the whale graveyards are miles above, and not the smallest speck of phosphorescence is visible. When we pull these buried things to the surface, netted in the cradle of the High Priestess' crescent moon, they are barely recognizable for what they may have once been. It takes a lot of clear, cleansing water to wash everything away and render those hidden items usable.

During my interactions with the High Priestess, she at least made me stop fighting so hard at just pushing my way through the muck and seek help. She's made me look at myself, not in the harsh light of day - I've been down too deep to be ready for that - but in the mild light of the Moon, and told me it's time to move forward, but the going will be easier because I'm not weighed down by tons of solid silt and the remains of eons of sea creatures.

The High Priestess is Isis Veiled, Keeper of Secrets, and as such she dictates that we do not have to bare our souls to the world. There are things we can keep to ourselves, things we only have to share if we feel the need. There is very little regard for privacy today, even in the face of identity theft - reality television, online confessionals, security cameras on every corner and in every building. If you live open to the world, you lose a great deal of your self. In a way, you make a statement that since you have nothing to hide, you also have nothing worth hiding, or keeping secret, or treasuring for yourself, including your time and true name.

There is danger in the path of the High Priestess. A seeker of knowledge can become too absorbed in the mental world and drift away from the real world. She can lead introspection to develop into paranoia, and solitude to deepen into reclusiveness. While useful, prolonged periods of reclusiveness aren't healthy. Physical needs fall by the wayside and physical illness can result. A person can grow old before noticing they've missed out on the pleasures of youth. She can also be suspicious of other people - because she spends so much time foreseeing the future, all futures, everyone seems self-centered and self-serving to her. The High Priestess is what she is - a holder of knowledge, a studied and disciplined woman, but she is insubstantial and made of more dream-stuff than blood and bone and flesh.

The Empress is the opposite of the High Priestess. Here is woman in the flesh, of the flesh. She is proud and down-to-earth, haughty and compassionate, serious and good-humored. Her learning is more practical and experienced than the intellectually structured High Priestess. The Empress doesn't spend much time worrying about the next life, or even the future beyond the next harvest. She leads by example instead of words and oracles. The High Priestess is a king-maker, the Empress sovereign in her own right. Even though they are opposite one another, they are not in opposition. The High Priestess has sovereignty over the world of the spirit, the Empress sovereign over the Earth.

I've always felt most compatible with the Empress, and have always associated myself with her image, but I've drawn away from her over the years as I've gotten older. It will be interesting to go back to her and see what she has to say to me now.
perzephone: Wednesday Addams as played by Christina Ricci (be afraid)
I've been at an extremely low point lately, to the point where I can't even write about it with any depth. I need to, I should, but I just fucking can't.

So I read, and embroider, and play WoW, but it's patch/maintenance day for Azeroth.

Aside from nomming some tasty zombie short stories (The Living Dead, edited by John Joseph Adams), I've picked up The Temple of Twelve: Novice of Colors by Esmerelda Little Flame. I've read one person's personal pathworking through it, a few reviews and other random stuff on the 'Net about it. It seems to be good for helping folks open up to their artistic side, and since my embroidery is technically 'creative', I figured, eh, why not. There is a lot of color symbolism in the Tarot itself, and since I'm already pathworking with that, I had kind of hoped that TToT would add some vibrance.

I get irritated sometimes when people on the Pagan forums or in chats & what-not regarding magic(k)al work tell someone "oh, colors mean whatever you want them to mean" or "colors mean different things to different people". Yes, personally, colors can be pleasing or displeasing to various people, or remind people of different things that have happened during the course of their lives... but magic(k)ally speaking, colors mean what they mean, and have always meant. It's one thing if you want to use, say, a pale blue candle to represent yourself and a flaming orange candle to represent the object of your desire. That's personal symbolism. But, generally, the planetary daemon of Venus is not going to look kindly on your blue and orange candles, just because they make you personally think of loooooovve.

Why can't you take the New Age road with colors? Why can't they just mean whatever the fuck you want them to mean, thousands of years of symbolism be damned?

Because they vibrate at various frequencies and do different things for different reasons. Lenses and refractors and prisms produce singular colored rays or rainbows, with the colors in a specific order, for a reason, not because it's some random thing created by dysenteric unicorns. I don't feel assed to go into the scientific reasons why yellow is yellow and blue is blue (this is my blog, I don't need references, dammit) but there are definite reasons - and because our brain is a science-type thing as well, different parts of our brains respond to different colors the same way as anyone else's brain responds to those same colors (try to eat rare meat under a blue light f'instance... go ahead. I'm waiting - and then try it under natural to slightly reddish light).

cut due to spoilage )

I'm going to seriously try to finish the book, especially since during my rant I realized that yes, at some level, even though I'm not a visual artist (or any type of artist) colors are important to me. They do speak to the inner witch, even though I don't do magic(k) any more. I've got synaesthesia to some degree, and I do love my colorin' books. I keep telling people that embroidery is 'coloring with thread'... so, there you have it.

It's only mid-March & we're already in the 80s. With the a/c already on. Fuuuuuuuuuuu....
perzephone: (Tree of Life)
Eh heh.

The High Priestess is highly introspective. Ever since I brought her out & set her up next to my bed, and asked her to talk to me, I've been more depressed than normal. I also haven't been able to figure out why my depression has taken a severe downward swing. I've also been thinking about how isolated I am personally, and how even though I don't do anything about it, suicide is part of my daily thoughts. I mean, it's always there, somewhere, lurking, but lately it's been moving towards full-blown planning. Along with all this, there is the feminine archetypal receptivity which means I've been wanting to pick up random guys. Mixed messages - I'm down, I want to die, but hey, buddy, can you spare a good lay?

It looks like I'm going to be the full-time night auditor in a few weeks. I may have to put the High Priestess away before I'm 'done', so to speak, because I'm way too sensitive to my environment at work. Things I could normally ignore, like my coworkers, are needling me. Being night auditor 40 hours a week means sitting in an office, isolated from the people I normally see and don't mind being around at least 3 nights a week, and instead I'm stuck with people who annoy the living crap out of me (the PBX operators) in a stuffy little room with dark red carpet on the walls and no ventilation.

I keep making this comparison between the PBX operators and Goldilocks. Goldilocks was all, "this bed is too hard... this bed is too soft" but eventually she found the bed and porridge that were just right. The PBX operators? Noooooo. As I left for my weekend on Wednesday morning, one of the operators was complaining, and I quote: "My back has been killing me all night! This chair is too hard! This chair is too soft! This one is too tall! This one is too short!" I bailed before she finished & before I could bust out in brays of ass-like laughter. I laughed all the fucking way home.
perzephone: (Tree of Life)
Moving on... to The High Priestess. I used to identify quite a bit with the High Priestess. She is so knowledgeable, so mysterious... so cloistered. She is Isis Veiled, unknowable and whole unto herself. Then I kind of moved on to the Empress, who is Isis Unveiled, earthy, practical and sensuous.

The High Priestess is the feminine equivalent to The Magician. The Magician has that forceful masculine energy that just wants to go out and penetrate, fertilize and is always moving outward. The High Priestess is the Ultimate Feminine, receptive, fertile and equally moving inward. The Magician's hands are active speakers, the High Priestess is more likely to sit with her hands folded in her lap. She gives nothing of herself or her energy away, she wastes no words - she is very efficient of movement and speech.

Lately, maybe because of my going back to the Moon Goddess, I have been finding myself once again attracted to the Priestess archetype. I'll just have to see what unfolds.

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

- K T Tunstall, Suddenly I See

Pictured here is Marie LaVeau from the New Orleans Voodoo Tarot by Sallie Ann Glassman and Louis Martinie.




2 - The High Priestess



Principle of Intuition, Self-Trust & Resourcefulness

Chakra: Third Eye Element: Water
Color:   Planet: The Moon -
the subconscious, intuition
Musical Tone: G# Sphere: Yesod
Path: 13 - from Kether to Tiphareth Letter: Gimel - Camel
Number: 2, 11 Perfumes: Camphor
Plants:
  • Alder

  • Cramp Bark

  • Hazel

  • Pomegranate
Stones:
  • Moonstone

  • Pearl

  • Milky Quartz
Metals: Silver Zodiac: Cancer
Intelligence: The Uniting Intelligence Rune: Ear
Water; Earth; Grave
Cycles of change or times of transition; looking
into or thinking of the future.
Animals:
  • Dog & Wolf -
    sacred to Artemis

  • Serpent - wisdom

  • Hare - associated with the Moon
Career:
  • Psychic Artists

  • Psychologists & Psychiatrists

  • Counselors

  • Poets

  • Advisors & Consultants
Symbols:
  • Temple Pillars -
    Boaz and Joachin

  • Stone Throne - unity with the Higher Consciousness;
    Isis as the Seat or Throne

  • Palms - will, masculinity

  • Pomegranate - desire, feminity

  • Lotus - purity

  • Cross - balance of polar energies, the four elements

  • Scroll - the Akashic Records,
    the Collective Unconscious

  • Moon - danger of releasing higher knowledge to unprepared
    minds; the subconscious, feminine intuition
Deities:
  • Ishtar

  • Ixchel

  • Hecate

  • Diana

  • Selene

  • Luna

  • Sin

  • Kore

  • Artemis

  • Isis Veiled

  • Frigga

  • Persephone

  • Lunar deities

  • Triune deities
Key Words:

Alchemy; anima; ardor; bigotry; conceit; confusion; connections; cooperation; creation; cycles; deception; divination; dreams; ebb; flamboyance; flexibility; flux; frivolity; ignorance; imagination; imitation; inconsistency; indulgence; insight; inspiration; instability; instinct; intuition; maternalism; menstruation; mystery; objectivity; passion; protection; recapitulation; reception; receptivity; recollection; ruthlessness; seclusion; secrets; selfishness; sensitivity; shallowness; silence; society; spirituality; uncertainty; wisdom; worrisome

Upright:

Be yourself. Trust your feelings. Unrevealed future. Difficult path. Good judgment. Deep inner wisdom & knowing. Esoteric or Akashic knowledge. Self reliance. Quiet retreat. Secret or something hidden. Something in your memory at which you need to look. Astral travel. Action beneath the surface, whole picture is unclear. Reception of inspiration. Keep ideas to yourself or select the right person with which to share. Seeking the higher significance of things. Seek smaller goals. Listen to your intuition. Tapping into the collective unconscious. A trustworthy friend helps affirm your divinity. Physical reflection of the spirit within. Natural subconscious side of awareness. Living a lifestyle that allows you to follow your true purpose. Area of fear in our life, possibly one that is beautiful & beguiling. A period of passive withdrawal may enrich your life. Solving problems intuitively, not knowing how you know what you know, just knowing it. Potentials & possibilities upon which must be acted. Sense of self. Seeking guidance & council from women. Paying close attention to the natural rhythms & cycles of your body. Comparisons & contrasts. Connection is possible between diverse elements. Insight into a problem offers a solution. Hidden knowledge. Change for the better. Favorable influence of a woman. In a man's spread, it may indicate a desire for an equal mate. Esoteric knowledge. Awareness of planes of existence. Hidden forces with new solutions. Feminine balance & occult learning. Utilize leadership potential. Matriarchal thought. Knowledge beyond intuition, hidden wisdom, instructive dreams, divine laws.

Contrary:

Lack of sense. Poor intuition. Lack of judgment. Disruptive female influence. Everything is out in the open, so examine it closely. Lack of foresight. Weak person lacking stamina. Need for deeper commitment. That which has been put before you is something with which you can deal. Passive person with strong intuition who cannot relate feelings into words or actions. Someone who is afraid to open up to others is slowly turning towards deeper involvement.
perzephone: (Tree of Life)
The Magician - The Magus - Thoth Tarot

1 - The Magician

I THE MAGICIAN / DR. JOHN / THE CONJUROR
The Principle of Communication & Timing
As Above, So Below

Chakra: Crown Chakra Element: Air
Color: Yellow Planet: Mercury
Learning, Study and Communication
Musical Tone: E Sphere: Hod
Path: 12 - From Kether to Binah Letter: Beth - House
Number: 1 Plants: Astragalus, Palm, Lemon
Perfumes: Mastic Stones: Opal, Agate
Metals: Mercury Zodiac: Gemini
Intelligence: The Clear or Transmitting Intelligence Rune: Peorth - The Dice Cup
Gambling, Speculation, Risk
Placing yourself in the hands of another.
Animals: Swallow, Fish, Ibis & Ape - sacred to Thoth Deities: Hermes, Thoth, Mercury, Athena, Merlin, Odin
Symbols:
  • Ouroboros - the Transformer
  • One hand raised, one lowered - "As Above, So Below"
  • Red Roses - the Five Senses, Desire
  • Robe - Outer persona
  • Lily - One Truth, Knowledge, Purity
  • Wand, Cup, Sword & Disk - the Four Elements
  • Wand - Phallic symbol
Career:
  • Physician
  • Architect
  • Inventor
  • Research Scientist
  • Magus
  • Stage Magician
  • Symphony Conductor
  • Messenger
  • Drummer

Key Words:
Action; adaptation; address; animus; articulation; balance; betrayal; charisma; commitment; consciousness; crafts; creation; creativity; communication; consciousness; criticism; cunning; deceit; dexterity; diplomacy; direction; disgrace; efficiency; ego; expression; failure; hesitation; illusions; indecision; individuality; ineptitude; information; innovation; leadership; madness; mischievousness; nervousness; observation; organization; originality; pain; personality; reason; reflection; science; self-confidence; self-reliance; skepticism; skill; strong-willedness; subtlety; talks; trickery; untrustworthiness; verbosity; will; will-power; wisdom

Upright:
Planning will become manifest in the material. Balances in duality. Logic & our ability to translate intelligence. Ability to use & manifest higher powers. Consummate skill in the matter at hand. Ability to see root causes clearly. Opportunity to use talents. Merging of the Four Elements. Everything is possible through the Will of the Gods. Making something tangible out of the possibilities of life. Give life meaning & direction. The person who takes that which is offered by this card shows signs of being an architect, inventor, or creator. Applications of faith & will are the formula for success & blessing. Reaching for a goal, one over which you have control. Someone who lets only truly qualified people enter their world. Metaphysical connection between you & one who hides things from you in order to hold power over you. Awareness of the power in life. Action rather than reaction. A sense of self. Focusing attention on a project or single goal. Singleness of purpose. Being in control. Manual ability. Organizational skill. Using writing, speaking, persuasion & knowledge. Use of rhythm to call the spiritual into the Visible. A need to get your message across to a wider audience. Guidance, new opportunities, creative initiative. Mastery of self. Readiness to put plans into action, time to use your skills. Great power & energy at your disposal. Strong ego. Magic work. Gradual change.

Contrary:
Abuse of power. Misapplication of self. Lack of will-power. Avoidance of obstacles. Poor planning. Enemy snares. Devious manipulation. Inability to articulate thoughts. Manipulation of words & deeds for self-gain. Change is needed for achievements. Situation needs probing. Poor judgment leads to loss. You have control over the situation - the future is in your hands. Fear of channeling energy in a new direction can ease fear of madness or losing control. Hypocrisy within the Self.
perzephone: (dreams)
I've been weaning myself off the Elavil these past couple of weeks, which means I've been taking one every other day. Decided to not do it cold turkey this time around. Next week it'll be one every two days. I can already tell the difference - for instance, like right now, I've been having regular old 'I'm not sleepy' insomnia, coupled with daytime restlessness. Fewer dreams.

My GP's office contains a sleep clinic. I'm thinking about maybe having her run some more in-depth tests on me, like a PET scan. Maybe I do have drain bamage. Some synapses or neurons just not firing in the right sequence anymore. I don't think there's any treatment for things like TBI or drug-related/alcohol related brain damage, but I like having the answers. Just trying to research 'I wake up at the onset of REM sleep' is mostly futile (this is about the only thing I've seen: Sleep Disorder Center). There's lots of stuff out there about 'REM Sleep Behavior Disorder', which is where people don't get sleep paralysis & act out their dreams, but very little on other types of 'REM Sleep Disorders'. I know I get sleep paralysis because I've woken up, couldn't move and could feel the chemicals circulating in my body. Sleep paralysis, if you're not completely freaked out by it, is a comfortable state to be in. You're paralyzed and somewhat numb, so there's no pain or discomfort, just a floating lassitude. Of course, because sleep paralysis comes hand in hand with REM, once I wake up the paralysis never lasts more than a few seconds.

At any rate, I'd like to rule out anything physical, like brain damage. If nothing pops up physical, then I think I'm going to make a concerted effort to wade through the multitudinous layers of red tape put in place by my insurance company & find a therapist. See if there's something mental getting in the way of my dreaming. I can keep taking the Elavil, but it's only a treatment. I never know if the dreams I have are 'true' dreams because I'm on an antidepressant medication. Considering how much I dream about my job, I get the feeling that I'm still not dreaming.

Pathworking with the Tarot often manifests within dreams. Much of magical working manifests in dreams, period. I've always missed out on that particular aspect of spirituality.
perzephone: (Tree of Life)
Male
Female
Asexual
Androgyne
Hermaphrodite
Gay
Bisexual
Transgender
Transexual

Magic, back in the day when the Tarot cards were first blended with magical theory, had a rather simple view of gender. It had yin/yang, male/female, positive/negative, black/white, active/passive. Basically they are polar opposites, each attribute associated with planetary influences, masculine & feminine deities, construction and destruction. This was the world view at the time - you were either male or female, and androgynes and hermaphrodites were not known well enough or understood well enough to be taken into consideration. Cross-dressers and transexuals were relatively common, and to an extent even gender reassignment in the form of castrated men living as women. They were not really seen as being 'magically important', although there were androgynous & hermaphroditic magical constructs, like Baphomet, used in various types of magic.

I usually refer to The Fool as 'he' because most of the artwork used is vaguely masculine. In reality, The Fool is androgynous or asexual. 'It' lacks the experience, self-awareness and self-knowledge to know what 'it' is yet. The Fool has even less awareness of its sexuality than an infant because The Fool doesn't even bother to mess with what's between its legs. The Fool doesn't even have the ability to project itself onto the people it meets to know who it finds attractive or interesting. It begins life as asexual, not having tried enough to know that it doesn't like sexual relationships in any form, and because of this blank-slatedness, it appears to other people as androgynous, too innocent and vague to be attractive in and of itself.

The Magician is a self-aware man, but his sexuality is less based on societal roles for a man and more based on innate nature. The Magician is the pure essence of testosterone. He creates because he is driven to create, like a stag or a stallion is driven to sire offspring. Pan is behind it all, pushing him onward and forward, phallus erect, palms outward, that pure spring of masculine force flowing from him. He has drawn down the Sun into himself and fertilizes all that he touches. Sprouts spring from seeds, wombs fill, cities leap to the skies, planets appear from dust.

The Magician is not a mature man. He is more like a boy who has just hit puberty, 'young, dumb & full of cum'. He is the energy within us that drives us to change things for the sake of change. People who seem to thrive on chaos and drama are embodying the mindless active principle of The Magician. Change means growth and new life, even if it destroys and old, stable life. Without The Magician's powers things do stagnate and fall apart on their own, but that hectic activity hastens the process.

It is not until The Magician grows into The Emperor that the creative forces are harnessed into constructive action. The Emperor still creates, but at a slower and more nurturing pace. He has feminine forces in The Empress to temper his abandon and his Panic lust. The Magician discovers and invades new territory but The Emperor makes sure the border fortresses become empires. The Magician creates children, but the Emperor fathers them.
perzephone: (Tree of Life)
Note to Self:

SELF!

I has stuff to write about, honestly. About The Magician and about maleness.

I'm just too fucking tired to do anything.
perzephone: (Tree of Life)
While working on The Fool, I came to a realization in that since I don't dream, I don't get to do a lot of deep spiritual work. Even with my Delta wave CDs and the Elavil, I rarely get any significant dreams. I've been having to rely on hypnagogic imagery & guided meditation for almost everything spiritual I do. My subconscious may be running on overdrive but I'll never know. Well, ok, there are ways I can tell if my subconscious is running on overdrive, but pathworking isn't vital enough to turn to outside sources.

A couple of nights ago, I was laying in bed, thinking about the Magician. Working in that hypnagogic state, I saw myself in the Rider-Waite card. I was sitting on a wooden chair facing the Magician and his altar. Everything was bathed in the golden yellow light, and I could smell the greenery in the bower around the man as he worked. He held up his various instruments like flashcards & I named them, "Cup, Sword, Wand, Pentacle". He shook his head & held them up again, so I tried "Water, Fire, Air, Earth". He shook his head again & held them up, one by one.

"Love, Hate, Dream, Fulfillment" - nope
"West, South, East, North" - nope
"Venus, Mars, Mercury, Earth" - nope
"Drinking, cutting, pointing, sitting" - nope

I started getting frustrated. The Magician smiled mutely, shook his head again & started over with the Cups.

"The Holy Grail, Cerridwen's Cauldron, boil boil toil & trouble!"

He put the Cup down & clapped, and held up the sword.

"Excalibur, Sting, the Tetsaiga?" - a nod and he held up the Wand.

"Uhhh... Harry Potter's has a phoenix feather in it. I don't know any famous wands". he set the Wand down & held up the Pentacle.

"Yeah, I'm drawing a blank". He waved it at me. "Mrs. Quimby's necklace?" Waved it at me again. "Aaron's breastplate thingy?"

He laughed (finally, a noise!) & put the pentagram down. He then picked up each altar item & began juggling them, & that's what I fell asleep to - cup, sword, pentacle, wand spinning in circles.
perzephone: (Tree of Life)
I don't want to move on to the Magician. I want to keep hanging out with the Fool. The Fool's tired of me following him around, but...

When I'm walking around with the Fool, I don't have to actually do anything. I can look at stuff, I can people-watch. I can take it all in, like a tourist. I don't have to participate. The Magician has to be involved, has to be emotionally invested in what he's doing. The Fool does not.

The Fool is a tramp, a bum. He can watch others do the work and sample the results but he doesn't have to care about anything. He can move on, from one experience to another. The Fool can be stuck in that lifestyle and it doesn't matter.

The Magician is less about thinking and absorbing, and more about doing.
perzephone: (Tree of Life)
I've still been working with The Fool, haven't forgotten about him. He's still sitting there on my bedroom dresser, a key to meditation and thought-processes.

Last night before I went to bed, I was trying to just send some calming waves to Rob. He's been getting the feeling that we're going to be robbed again, soon. Last night, some guy knocked on the door around 10pm, asking if we knew anyone who drove a Nissan Altima. We have neighbors on either side of us who have like, a billion cars, most of them parked overlapping our driveway - and most of our other neighbors are in the same multi-vehicular club, so the guy could have been looking for one of any of the about 20 people on our street. It upset Rob.

I was laying there, trying to center myself, breathing, but I couldn't get to it. All I could see behind my eyes were patterns of hatch-marks in bright crazy colors. I was trying to work up some protective energy to throw around Rob, but nope, nothing worked. I even tried using the net-like pattern as a net to cast over him, but it wasn't letting me throw it. Just wanted to stick there behind my closed eyes. Finally, I gave up, fuck it, it's not working, Rob's just gonna have to suffer & be all twitchy.

Then I saw the Fool, against the bright golden sky of some foreign clime, silhouetted on the precipice with his little white dog. He looked down, on the other side of the cliff, and began meandering down a rocky path to a distant city.

Obviously it's time for me to move on. I don't know if I've learned anything from the Fool this time around. I've gotten some new insights - the bindle and the courier's bag, for instance. There seems to be this huge gap between the Fool and the Magician. I mean, how exactly did the Fool get to be the Magician, how did he go from a greenhorn to a master? How long did it take, what kind of things did he encounter in between? I've always considered it to be the same guy, yanno? Maybe it's not - maybe the Magician is someone the Fool encounters, maybe the Fool is the Magician's apprentice at some point. Maybe it's who the Fool wants to grow up to be.

I've also had past problems with the Magician. I was a ceremonialist for a few years, and I resonated strongly to the power of ceremonial magic(k). Summoning and controlling spirits is a serious stroke to the ego. You truly get that feeling of being a God among men. Whenever I work with the energies behind the Magician, I turn into Crowleyanna.

Maybe I need a dose of that particularly strong medicine right now, because I am very out-of-control at work. The office that I called home for 5 1/2 years has been torn apart. They're moving PBX into it so they decided to sound-buffer the walls & replace the carpeting, and in the process they tore up all the desks & cubes, and it's been like this for almost a month now. We've been working out of the manager's office for the past two weeks, so I'm living in someone else's space, having to deal with all the clutter and chaos... and there's a shift-bid coming up in which I do get my 8-hour shift that I've been wanting, but it's not in the way I'd hoped it would be, which is typical for me.

I was talking to the graveyard supervisor about Who Moved My Cheese? and how it relates to the dismay caused by shift bids. Who Moved My Cheese? is one of those newspeak books that came out during a corporate empowerment movement, when everyone wanted to think outside boxes and change paradigms. From a managerial standpoint, it's a useful parable for dealing with employees who have a hard time handling changes. Go ahead, move their cheese - and tell them you're changing their paradigms to challenge them to think outside the box! From an employee's standpoint, it means that you just have to expect to be rendered absolutely powerless in the workplace from time to time, and you should just suck it up and deal with it. That's what office moves & shift bids are - managers fucking with your cheese, with very little warning.

I'm hoping that the Great Stomach Rebellion of 2010 is not related to the unexpected office move. I would like to think that I am somewhat more resilient than that.

Weather-wise, it's 50ºF outside, and 68º inside. I'm freezing my titties off!
perzephone: (Tree of Life)
Rob's got a bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice - aside from working as a security guard for construction sites, he's never used it for anything, and it's never done him any good. I've got friends with degrees up the wazoo (along with student loan debts) and they all have 'jobs'. Not careers, but jobs. Not a one of them are using any of their education to do anything. It's pretty disappointing to spend all that time, money and energy on obtaining a piece of paper only to find out that it isn't good for anything beyond decorating an empty spot on the wall.

Everything kind of stopped for me after I quit my job at the County, and it stopped even more once I graduated. I went into school with a bindle full of preconceived notions of what my life would be after I got my degree. It's a practical degree, in computer information and technology. The information I gained during the five years I spent on it is useful to a certain extent. I know what a BSOD (Blue Screen of Death) actually is, I understand random errors... I can use Linux. I went into employment thinking I would receive tons of practical experience that would lead me into bigger and better things - like an internship with Google or something. I was a fool in the sense that I had no grasp of the reality I was about to encounter. I was star-gazing, not paying attention to the pitfalls in front of me. I also had some exaggerated ideas of my own skills and abilities. They had never been put to a real test. Just because I had more knowledge of computer operations than say, the mother-in-law or some of my coworkers at the casino did not mean I was ready for a job in a specialized IT department. I would have been better off going into a broad-spectrum IT department like the centralized County IT instead of at the District Attorney's office.

At any rate, I came out of the experience with a new outlook and some practical wisdom, and I won't be likely to make the same mistakes again. I'm The Fool on the other side of the card. I fell down, I got back up & brushed myself off. Somehow though I can't seem to get started again. I'm in that neutral zone between cards.

I did my best to notice
When the call came down the line
Up to the platform of surrender
I was brought but I was kind
And sometimes I get nervous
When I see an open door
Close your eyes
Clear your heart...
Cut the cord

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?

Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye
Wish me well..
You've gotta let me go

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?

Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight?
There is no message we're receiving
Let me know is your heart still beating

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer

You've gotta let me know

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer
Are we human
Or are we dancer?

- Human by The Killers
perzephone: (Tree of Life)

0 - The Fool

Principle of Courage, Ecstasy and Peak Experiences

"If a person does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away."
- Henry David Thoreau


Chakra: Element: All and none. Air
Color: Pale yellow Planet: The Universe, Uranus - signifies originality and eccentricity.
Musical Tone: E Sphere: Kether
Path: 11 - from Kether to Chokmah Letter: Aleph - the Bull or Ox
Number: 0 Plants: Ginseng, Ash, Yggdrasil and other World Trees
Perfumes: Galbanum Stones: Geodes, Agate, Iron Pyrite (Fool's Gold)
Metals: Aluminum, Titanium Zodiac: The entire Zodiac; Aquarius, Uranus
Intelligence: The Fiery Intelligence Rune: Sigel - Rune of the Glittering Sun The life force, warmth, health, harmony
Animals: Eagle - Objectivity; Otter - Playfulness; Monkeys & Apes - resemblance to humanity Contemplation: The first manifestation of focused possibility. Zero as the nothingness necessary for creation.
Symbols:
  • Zero/Null - unlimited potential, the World Egg, the womb
  • Feather - Maat
  • Wreath - Victory of the Spirit
  • White Rose - Clarity, Purity
  • Wallet - where past experiences are stored
  • Divided Circle - Kether, the Tuat
  • Knotted Belt - the Zodiac
  • Sun - Child of the Divine
  • Dog - psychopomp, reminder of humanity, reality
  • Wand - phallic symbol
Deities:
  • Coyote
  • Loki
  • Hermaphrodite
  • Anansi
  • Eleggua as the Holy Child of Atocha
  • Maat
  • Attis
  • Dionysus and the Maenads
  • Bacchus
  • Christ
  • Buddha
  • Other tricksters and dying Gods
Key Words:
  Absence; adventure; apathy; beginnings; carefreeness; carelessness; craziness; creation; crossroads; delirium; distribution; divinity; ecstasy; energy; expression; extravagance; folly; foolishness; frenzy; health; ideals; ignorance; imbalance; impracticality; indirection; indiscretion; inexperience; innocence; intoxication; intuition; invention; irresponsibility; joy; mania; misfit; naivety; negligence; optimism; originality; prophecy; protection; purity; risk; spirituality; spontaneity; stagnation; stimulation; surprise; swiftness; thought; strength; thoughtlessness; unconventionality; uninhibitedness; unrealism; unworldliness; vanity; visions; vitality; youth
Upright:
  The unexpected, a surprise. Divine influence. Sexuality expressed without guilt, dishonesty, or connivance. All things are possible to the person ready to go in any direction. New beginnings. Start of a new cycle of activity. Creative dreamer. Hidden talents. A decision. Leap before you look. Lessons of Attis, Dionysus & Bacchus. Today is the first day of the rest of your life - go anywhere, do anything, be anyone. Possible death. Constant reminders of the material world & bliss in not being a part of it. Someone who is naturally telepathic. Avoid sticking to definite plans & just let things happen. Be idealistic & open yourself to adventure & new avenues. Allow relationships to develop spontaneously. Be free-spirited. Optimism unaffected by past events. Purity of purpose. Impulsive thoughts & actions. Unconventional way of looking at things. Unexpected or unplanned event may be about to happen. Leaping to a new phase in life. Being open to experience. Acting on impulse. Childlike enthusiasm. Being foot-loose & fancy-free. Choices made seem foolish to others. Letting go & trusting in the Universe. Living in the here & now. Travel & vagabondage. Need for caution, but remain confident. A new chapter opening in one's life. Start of a phase, leap of faith, openness to life. The beginnings of a new cycle or enterprise. A matter that is unexpected or unplanned. Moving in a different direction, heading toward an unknown future. Use hidden talents. Creative currents bursting forth. Possible disruption of physical matters. New cycle.
Contrary:
  Misplacement & misunderstandings. Problems arising from recklessness or ill-considered decisions. Immature or irrational actions. Poor application of energy. Review choices. Don't cry over spilt milk. Listen to yourself. Overcome fears. Reaching the end of a cycle- time for a new goal. Scattered energy. Failure to follow instincts. Not taking a chance at a critical moment because of fear. Dependence on the opinions & plans of others. Awareness that great chances must be taken when timely. Foolish decisions & unwise actions. Pleasure-seeker. Sexual focus. Lack of confidence. Need to take more responsibility & balance pleasures, sexuality & other desires. Unkind friends.
perzephone: (Tree of Life)
I'm casually approaching some serious pathworking via the Tarot again. Starting from the beginning, of course.

I've had The Fool propped up by my bed for the past few days, seeing if it would influence my dreams any, which is hasn't, or if it has I don't remember the dreams. Maybe it's working at some deep, hidden, long-buried portion of my subconscious... (yeah, right).

It dawned on me today that most of the time, when I work with The Fool, all my focus is usually on the Fool himself. Not the environment, not his or her belongings, not the dog at his or her feet. Not all versions of Tarot include a dog with the Fool. In the New Orleans Voodoo deck, it's Damballah and Ayida Wedo's egg, the World Egg. In the Thoth deck, a tiger is gnawing on the Fool's leg. The dog is just an every-day agent of fate. The Fool is going to fall off the cliff one way or the other. He or she may realize at the last minute that their dance is perilously close to a precipice, but the dog will insure that the fall takes place.

Chelsie & her clowning fits right in with the Fool's dog. No matter what you're doing, at some point Chelsie is going to reach out her paw, snag your ankle and trip you. You might be playing with her (apparently, you don't play with a Catahoula, a Catahoula plays with you... as in, you're the toy), or you might be carrying scalding hot coffee into the living room. That paw is going to get you. You can move obstacles (like the unused Gazelle that she's used to pin me into precarious positions) out of the way, to clear your line of sight and make the inevitable fall less painful, but you're still going to fall. Rob says that, on the occasions that the dog has tripped me and I've fallen over, I roll like some kind of big beetle on its back. I try to position myself to land on the most padded areas of my body - my ass & hips. I try not to put my hands out to brace myself, because that only leads to broken wrists and sprained hands. I don't try to fight the fall, either. Gravity is going to do its work. Fighting it only leads to injury, beyond just a bruised pride. I just fucking fall down and try to roll with it.

In many Tarot guides I've read, the symbolism of the Fool is tied to the Biblical Fall from Eden. The Fool is the naive state of grace that Adam and Eve were in before the Serpent and the Tree came into the picture. The dog, of course, is the material world, the Serpent in woolier guise. Instead of being openly tempting though, leading the Fool to his or her demise with bright shiny fruit, the dog is trotting behind, waiting to take the Fool unawares. In Gnostic practices, we had to fall. It was Sophia's mistake in instigating the Fall, but we had to do it. We need the experiences that the material world gives us in order to evolve and progress. In Gnosticism, though, there is a rejection of the material world. It is base, the dross that comes of the alchemical processes. To the Gnostics, it's the struggle to be 'in the World, but not of it' that leads to salvation.

When I look at Chelsie, that dog is in the world and of it. There is nothing wrong with a little dirt, and in fact, it's quite tasty. Her own butt is tasty. We're tasty (just not right after she's been licking her own butt). The dog experiences life by living and licking and sniffing it. She explores everything with wide-eyed curiosity. She looks at things like it's the first time she's ever seen anything like it. Wow! A book! Wow! A pigeon! (Woof! Woofwoofwoof!) Wow! A pair of shoes! Wow! A roach (om nom nom)! Wow! A weed (om nom nom hork hork hork)! The dog trips the Fool to bring the Fool down to the dog's own level; not standing 5 1/2 feet or so above the ground, disconnected from experiences and emotions, but down to about 2 1/2 feet, at nose level with smelly things like crotches and t.v. trays loaded with dinner. If Chelsie falls down (which she does), she doesn't have far to go. It doesn't hurt as much. She knows the earth is her friend and companion, and gravity isn't quite as much of a harsh mistress at that level. She can rise above it all, to catch a ball or Frisbee, or launch herself at the pigeons and doves winging away overhead.

Another thing I've noticed about the Fool in the Rider-Waite tarot is that ledge he's standing on. From the perspective of the card, there are mountains in the far-off distance. It gives the impression that the Fool is truly flirting with disaster. He seems to be quite high up, and if he falls it will be forever. For all we know, though, that ledge could be a step or two. He might be falling two feet down. Maybe that ledge is the undercut bank of some wide river - the river of time, ready to wash him downstream and into the future.

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Rainbow Serpent Woman

August 2014

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